上来献丑小作文了

新格咪咪

因为我每次写作文都是洋洋洒洒的 陋习很多，大家踊跃批评。
You are going to invite a Canadian friend to attend party, write  a letter for him and tell him:
what kind of party?
Why invite him?
The location of the party and how to get there.

Hi Jim,
How are you recently? We have not contact each other for 1 year since you go back Canada. I am writing this letter  to invite you join the party which I hold to celebrate our graduation from University for 1 year.

This party is not official so you can take your girl friend come with you. We can meet many old classmates on the party. Although you are now in Canada,but you are my best friend in campus and also we have lived in a room for 4 years. I miss you so much and cherish our friendship.

The party will be hold all day on Feb.2 2010 and I know you will be on vacation that time so do please come and join us. I have rent the meeting room 309 in our University which can accommodate 100 persons that day.Remember how to go to our University? Take the bus line 178 or 2111 when you get out the airport. When you arrive the University you will see our guider to lead you to the meeting room.
   
I am looking forward to hearing your reply.
yours sincerely
TOM

[ 本帖最后由 新格咪咪 于 23-3-2010 20:01 编辑 ]

rommi

我就说说格式咯

最好改称 齐头写
而且 Hi Jim 后面必须要有逗号

我也6分 无权评论内容哈

新格咪咪

用力批评阿 这样的小作文 不会完美无暇的吧 ？

Australianeyes

看不下去了，再看下去我自己英语水平都要退步了。。。

新格咪咪

原帖由 Australianeyes 于 23-3-2010 19:12 发表

                               
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看不下去了，再看下去我自己英语水平都要退步了。。。

是哪里有问题 说来听听呢 ？

lwb1123

我个人的一些理解，不一定对哈
有些语法问题，例如：
1 since you go back Canada --> went back to ...
2 take your girl friend come with you -->take your girl friend with you
3 Although you are now in Canada,but ---> although 和but不能连用。。。
4 The party will be hold ---> be held
5 get out the airport. --> get out of
6 When you arrive the University --> arrive at
有些地方最好加标点符号，如：
When you arrive the University， you will see
This party is not official ，so you can
等等。。

MillerYang

since you go back Canada
另外，后面那句看着总感觉不大对。。。

This party is not official 是不是应该有个逗号？

Although，but怎么放一块用了？

lived in a room？中文表达吧

100 persons。。。不确定是不是正确，但感觉people更好

总之，感觉上问题太多，不过我也是半斤八两，你还是苦练一下吧

新格咪咪

多谢 我果然是洋洋洒洒惯了
我自己 只检查出来 过去时和 单复数 的问题 其他的居然一个也没有看出来 还自我感觉良好

zquake

invite you join the party which I hold to


貌似 应该是to join, the 应该是a.
我也是6分水平, 随便说说

新格咪咪

好多错误 我都没有发现 多谢楼上的各位了 不过 我觉得 你们说话都太客气了 。。。

xiaoxiaobull

咪咪，写英文习惯同中文还是很不一样的。特别是开头，我们中国人喜欢说：近来好吗？好久不见。 英语信件里似乎没有必要，直接开头： I am writing to you to ...这个万能句型还是比较保险。

关于一些语法错误，楼上已经指出，就不多说。

但是从整个文笔来看，中文痕迹重了些。

新格咪咪

完了  我最怕就是 中文痕迹重了些 。。。

crystali99

咪咪，在你基础上改的，切磋切磋。

Dear Jim,

We haven't been in touch since you went back to Canada. How are you recently?  

I am holding a party to celebrate the first anniversary of our graduation. Many of our classmates are coming.
Although you are now in Canada, I still wish very much that you could come. We shared a dorm for 4 years, and you are my best friend on campus. I cherish our friendship and miss you so much.

This party is not formal, so you can take your girl friend with you. It will be held all day on Feb.2 2010. I know you will be on vacation that time so please do come and join us. I have booked meeting room 309 of our University which can accommodate 100 persons.

Remember how to get to the campus? Take bus 178 or 2111 outside of the airport.

When you arrive at the campus you will be guided to the meeting room.

I am looking forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely,
TOM

[ 本帖最后由 crystali99 于 24-3-2010 01:11 编辑 ]

新格咪咪

多谢楼上的 我发现 我的作文确实写的不匝地 还自我感觉良好
刚才 高人指出 我的长句写的太难看 ，而且有点牵强 。
收教了 ～

xiaoxiaobull

This party is not formal, so you can take your girl friend with you. 这句话逻辑有点问题,老外看了可能有点莫名. 为什么不正式,就可以带女朋友了?难道正式,就不能带了?

一般这样的信件,最好三段话了~~

新格咪咪

还是觉得 茉莉花开的不错！！  厉害 厉害阿 ～

Dear Jim,
We have not contacted with each other for one year since you went back to Canada. How are you recently?

I am writing this letter to invite you to join the party which I will hold to celebrate the first anniversary of our graduation. many of our classmates are coming. Although your are now in Cnanada, I still wish very much that you could come. We shared  a dorm for 4 years, and you are my best friend on campus. I cherish our friendship and miss you so much.

This party is not formal, so you can take your girl friend with you. It will be held all day on Feb 2nd 2010. I know you will be on vacation that time so please come and join us.
I have booked the meeting room 309 of our University which can accommodate 100 persons. Do you remember how to get to the campus ? You can take bus 178 or 2111 outside of the airport. When you arrive at the campus you will be guided to the meeting room.

I am look forward to hearing form you soon.

yours sincerely,
Tom

明天 我接着写一篇

crystali99

[quote]原帖由 新格咪咪 于 24-3-2010 03:52 发表

                               
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还是觉得 茉莉花开的不错！！  厉害 厉害阿 ～

We have not contacted with each other for one year since you went back to Canada.
多谢夸奖，全都是你的内容，就是改了语法小错，调整了一下顺序。
另，咪咪，contact不能加with，直接加contact的对象

babyspring

看到LZ的小作文，我很激动，因为我和你一样在复议。考了两次都是6分。但是自我感觉，第二次比第一次要充分得多。你的作文好像有点语法错误，下面已经有TX讲了。看到一个OFFICIAL PARTY---是不是FORMAL PARTY？

babyspring

你开头是比较随意的HI。 但是结尾用的SINCERELY,就不对应了。一般好友，我看可以用YOURS/LOVE这类

新格咪咪

原帖由 babyspring 于 24-3-2010 13:58 发表

                               
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看到LZ的小作文，我很激动，因为我和你一样在复议。考了两次都是6分。但是自我感觉，第二次比第一次要充分得多。你的作文好像有点语法错误，下面已经有TX讲了。看到一个OFFICIAL PARTY---是不是FORMAL PARTY？

还是没有明白 你激动什么阿 ？ 终于发现比你差的么 ？？ 嘿嘿
我上次只有5.5 这次要复议到6分  不过 我现在觉得 不怎么可能了 确实写的不好阿

babyspring

因为我复议前，看到你发帖说复议什么的。同病相怜呗。坛子里面有没有雅思的考试群？大家好加了交流一下。写作让我很困惑

语之玫瑰

昨天下午就想回复了...可惜没有权限，看到那么多人都给指出问题我就不再写了，欢迎楼主继续贴，大家交流交流

sally0513

呵呵，收益匪浅

wiserfirst

LZ 2.11你在哪考的，我的一鸭也是那天
我觉得作文关键是要多练，还有找人帮你改。不得不说你现在的问题还是比较大的。。。
我的建议是多输入些native Speaker的英文，不管是听还是看，可以参考下我写的总结

森林之王

咪咪，给你贴个美国鬼子来MAIL。。

Such a surprise and highlight to hear from you last week. Your email arrived at a time when I was out of town and not in a position to answer and then upon getting home Charles arrived home from school and we had a very busy weekend. I wanted to wait until I could give you a thoughtful response.

First of all “thank you” for taking the time to write. And you are correct, the Christmas & holiday season is a great time to think about old friends and reach out to those you’ve not communicated with for quite some time.

I really enjoyed the pictures of your daughter. She is so cute and does not look “naughty” at all. Now she does look like she enjoys having a lot of fun. Some of her facial expressions were so cute. And she has certainly grown. It is good to hear that both you and your husband seem to be doing well with your jobs.  

Our life stays very busy. Charles is now in his 4th Year of college and continues to do very well. Because he needed to get some more math to perhaps pursue graduate school, he has decided to go to a 5th year of undergraduate school, so he’ll not officially graduate until May 2011. He is still making very good grades, still very happy with the same girlfriend and still has a full head of very blond hair. Over the next few months he is really going to decide what to do after he graduates as now he is considering many options. It makes him a bit nervous.

Ruth is in her 3rd year at the University of Colorado. She got home last Wednesday. She is also doing well studying in the business school. She will start thinking about her postgraduate plans in the next few months, but she now wants to go live in a big city like New York and maybe work for a nonprofit organization. She did that as an intern last summer and really enjoyed it.

Eileen is doing a lot of things. A great deal of the past year was spent in remodeling our home; she designed all the changes. She also has been purchasing some property that she is redesigning & fixing up so we can rent to others. She also is doing a lot of work in fundraising for some charity organizations.

I also stay busy working with a few little companies that I have invested money into. My work with them is mainly consulting. I do this together with a lot of volunteer work serving on the International Board of Directors of a disease research organization called the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. I’ve been very involved for this for more than 10 years, but the amount of work & involvement increased a great deal in the past year.

We stay busy a great deal spending some time visiting Charles & Ruth at college and then some time just traveling for fun. We took a trip to Switzerland & Italy a couple of months ago to go hiking in the Alps. That was a whole lot of fun. And then just spend a lot of time enjoying family and friends.

Like in the US is still very interesting with the tough economy. Things have still not recovered to the way they used to be. And all of this debate on what to do with the United States health care system has created a lot of debate. A great deal of changes have occurred over the last year with President Obama.

This gives you some of the highlights. And thank you again for taking the time to keep in touch. It was very nice to hear from you and let’s make sure we do not lose touch.

Take care,
Mike

PS: Do you have any trips planned to the United States? I still hope you can make the journey one day.

babyspring

上文还挺收益的

语之玫瑰

美国人的写作格式和雅思考试还是有点差别的...
可以借鉴下人家的语感

新格咪咪

原帖由 wiserfirst 于 24-3-2010 17:44 发表

                               
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LZ 2.11你在哪考的，我的一鸭也是那天
我觉得作文关键是要多练，还有找人帮你改。不得不说你现在的问题还是比较大的。。。
我的建议是多输入些native Speaker的英文，不管是听还是看，可以参考下我写的总结

我在财大国定校区考试的

flyingwave

楼主,强烈建议你看看米版的Miller Essay Template. 在下面链接的4楼.
http://www.freeoz.org/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=857884

因为我家主申请也准备再考,看过米版的作文模板后觉得很受益. 所以推荐给你.

astrsa

语法错误全更正了,应该6分不难.