作文累积贴，求批

ecust

得赶啊!!....

帖子我看过,不过没有很仔细的研读, 多谢提醒

ecust

发现按八股的方式一点点写，好困难啊，憋了半天没写完一篇。。。。明天继续～～

ecust

Sports are very popular in today's society. Some people believe, "Winning is the only thing." Others believe, “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. “What is your opinion?


It is a diverse field of entertainment which includes a host of elements – singing, dancing, painting, and so on. Sports, the extremely attractive one, have been concerned by people like always, especially athletic competitions. The problem asked and confused by both audiences and contestants recently is, what the most important aspect for whole contest is, process or result? Based on the spirit of athletic sports, I believed strongly that win the victory is the most important pursue in sports field.

First of all, people continuously improve their abilities and skills via pursuit the goal (championship) and struggle with it, which also is the one of the most important aspect to reflect the true meaning of sportsmanship. It is impossible to achieve the goal without keep practices on not only skills, but also willpower. The desire for victory makes you remain keen to continually reinventing ourselves. According to the result of research which held by National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) shows that the speed of enhance ability individually is far beyond the contestant who eager to win relative to who have not realized it. Therefore, fight for victory is the fount of self-improvement and people are benefited from it at the same time.

Moreover, winning brings us cheerful spirit and reward which both of them are pretty compelling for everybody. It is commonly believed that it would be delightful when people achieve success (be no exception to sports field). More often than not we can feel it from victors or by yourself when you stand on the top of the world which this can be more vividly. Besides, it is universally acknowledged that the prize has become an indispensable part of winning. You may not believe what happened in last game of National Basketball Association (NBA) -- the $2 million first-place prize that was neatly stacked on the table belonged to champion team. Hence, the double joys which winning affords us are seemed to be indisputable.

Given the above argument, it is reasonable to conclude that there are numerous benefits of try to being a winner, not only it can improve our abilities via self-motivation, but also gain the rewards on both joyful spirit and material objects. As a result, winning is everything.


The sports activity is an indispensable part amongst kinds of the world level competitions. Some people argue that the end result is superior to the process; while others do not think so. In terms of the argument, in my stance, both of them are equally important, it means ending and processes are both meaningful in the sports activity.

First of all, good ending encourage and motivate sportsmen be more successful. The reason is good ending can bring honor to contestants. The advantage is obvious -- it can motivate the sportsman strict and discipline, that is to say, they will practice over and over in order to achieve next glories goals. For instance, the champion has staying confident and wants retain the championship, therefore, the huge self-motivation is plays an immeasurable role here. Besides, as some professional athletes could earn prize money according to the gold, silver or bronze medal, so the bonus satisfy their economic needs which also can incentive them to practice harder.

Meanwhile, it is impossible that sportsmen achieve success without the wonderful process. Excellent process, like reassurance, better enhance the confidence of athletes step by step. Actually, the end result would take care of itself if the sportsman fulfills their potential and act the process rightly. On the other hand, although bad process is the barrier of the good ending, it is still useful that analysis the details during process in order to better self-improvement specifically. It is well-known that tennis team of China had failed 5 times during international competitions, but they won the 6th via keep fixed the gaps they had made in last 5 games.

To sum up, it is true that end result is important and significant to sportsman, but the process is also a key factor. Therefore, good ending and wonderful process are located in same position in sports activity.

[ 本帖最后由 ecust 于 27-5-2012 13:40 编辑 ]

YUEXMA

楼上有几点问题，
语法错误，
中式英文，
用词不当，
词序不当，
有套用句子模板的嫌疑

ecust

多谢楼上批阅,看来我要先熟读下老外的文章,找找感觉先

YUEXMA

从句子和用词来看，你文章应该已经看了不少了。现在应该看点语法书，把一些基本的规则和语法知识点弄清楚，可能更对症下药。

ecust

真是对不住帮忙批阅的大虾们，写作我才 4.5 .。。。。。。

不知道如何下手了，难道要从初中语法看起？

ecust

Shopping is becoming a way of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Recent year, people spend increasingly money on shopping. Some expenses are used to buy necessities, while in others are just for entertaining. Thus there is a question concerned by individuals, which is whether whole society can be benefited from over-consumption? From my point of view, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.

First of all, over-consumption waste money is the most important aspect that a host of consumers are believed. But in fact, this conception is not totally correct. Firstly, it is not wasting that consumers buy something valuable and useful, even though they buy a vast number of commodities back and never use. For instance, purchase antiques. Secondly, we cannot arbitrarily conclude as there are various ways that individuals taking care of their personal goods wisely. Donation is a case in point. Therefore, over-consumption is nothing directly related to wasting.

In addition, it is universally acknowledged that the productivity will have increased by consuming behavior. Obviously, factories would produce more commodities in order to satisfy people’s needs if they had sold out. Meanwhile, mass consumption would encourage economic development as well. On the other hand, workers would lose their jobs as nothing needs produce. It is worth mentioning that the consumer index increased 30 per cent in China last year and she maintained a very high growth rate in terms of GDP, which reported by British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) two months ago.

To sum up, shopping for entertainment makes great contribute to society, such as, stimulate economic development, although it might be true that it would cause wasting. Therefore, I am strongly believed that increasingly entertaining consumption is a positive development.

[ 本帖最后由 ecust 于 29-5-2012 12:53 编辑 ]

inthepines

同一天雅思的，作文5.5，鼓励下。

ecust

Sports are very popular in today's society. Some people believe, "Winning is the only thing." Others believe, “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. “What is your opinion?


The sports activity is an indispensable part amongst kinds of the world level competitions. Some people argue that the end result is superior to the process; while others do not think so. In terms of the argument, in my stance, both of them are equally important, it means ending and processes are both meaningful in the sports activity.

First of all, good ending encourage and motivate sportsmen be more successful. The reason is good ending can bring honor to contestants. The advantage is obvious -- it can motivate the sportsman strict and discipline, that is to say, they will practice over and over in order to achieve next glories goals. For instance, the champion has staying confident and wants retain the championship, therefore, the huge self-motivation is plays an immeasurable role here. Besides, as some professional athletes could earn prize money according to the gold, silver or bronze medal, so the bonus satisfy their economic needs which also can incentive them to practice harder.

Meanwhile, it is impossible that sportsmen achieve success without the wonderful process. Excellent process, like reassurance, better enhance the confidence of athletes step by step. Actually, the end result would take care of itself if the sportsman fulfills their potential and act the process rightly. On the other hand, although bad process is the barrier of the good ending, it is still useful that analysis the details during process in order to better self-improvement specifically. It is well-known that tennis team of China had failed 5 times during international competitions, but they won the 6th via keep fixed the gaps they had made in last 5 games.

To sum up, it is true that end result is important and significant to sportsman, but the process is also a key factor. Therefore, good ending and wonderful process are located in same position in sports activity.

[ 本帖最后由 ecust 于 27-5-2012 13:41 编辑 ]

ecust

Some people say the popularity of English and tourism will harm the minorities and minor languages, to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.


With globalization process, the common language - English has been using by a great amount of people, especially used by tourists who travel around the world. Some scholars point that the rapidly globalization development would harm minority cultures (minorities and minor languages), while in my opinion, it is not entirely true.

It is generally acknowledged that tourists bring newly information and their own thoughts to minorities via English, and this behavior affect local culture. Firstly, minorities would learn English if they need communicate with tourists. As the trend of increasing using proportion, minor languages would gradual disappear if minorities get used to speak English. Secondly, people always enhance themselves initiatively when they have been told there is a better way. The information minorities got, makes them thought deeply. Meanwhile, it might change their traditional life style, such as, use lighter to make fire instead of drill woods. Therefore, tourism and English are really impacting local surroundings negatively.

On the other hand, minority’s culture and minor languages have been concerning by increasing number of individuals because tourism make people get better understand how important to protect them. Governments and individuals are willing to invest in this field due to the well understanding. Based on such circumstance, both of them are protected by powerful supportive which can ensure the culture will never disappear.

In conclusion, it is the truth that minorities and minor languages have been affecting harmful. But, I am strongly believed that it is impossible for has negative influence only, because they are getting an enormous benefit from tourism as well.


The common language - English has been using by a great number of people with globalization, especially used by tourists who travel around the world. Some people pointed the rapidly globalization development would harm minority cultures (mainly in minorities themselves and minor languages), while I think, it is not quite true.

Tourists brought variety of information and their own thoughts to minorities by English when they traveled to other nation. In this case, it had affected local culture for sure. Firstly, minorities would learn English if they should communicate with tourists. As the proportion of used English rise continuously, minor languages would gradual disappear. Secondly, people always heighten themselves actively when they have been told they can do better. The newly information minorities known, makes them reconsider problems and try something new. That is to say, it might change their traditional life style, such as, use lighter to make fire instead of drill woods. Therefore, tourism and English are impacting local surroundings negatively in some extent.

On the other hand, minority’s culture and minor languages have been concerned with an increasing number of individuals, because tourism has been making people get better understand the importance of protect them. Governments and individuals are willing to invest in this field due to well understanding. According to such circumstance, both of them are protected by powerful supportive and it benefits minority cultures.

In conclusion, it is true that minorities and minor languages have been affecting harmful. But, I am insist that whole event should not has negative influence only, because they are getting an enormous benefit from tourism as well.



[ 本帖最后由 ecust 于 29-5-2012 18:26 编辑 ]

YUEXMA

楼主很勤奋努力，但是你这样闷头写效果不好
当务之急是要消除那些明显，低级的语法问题，否则分数很难上去，
你回头看一下你写的，单看语法

ecust

原帖由 YUEXMA 于 29-5-2012 09:22 发表

                               
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楼主很勤奋努力，但是你这样闷头写效果不好
当务之急是要消除那些明显，低级的语法问题，否则分数很难上去，
你回头看一下你写的，单看语法

多谢提醒, 现在问题就是,改完了就看不出什么错了.....是不是找人批下作文比较好?
需要研究下语法书么?

YUEXMA

原帖由 ecust 于 29-5-2012 12:54 发表

                               
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多谢提醒, 现在问题就是,改完了就看不出什么错了.....是不是找人批下作文比较好?
需要研究下语法书么?

你现在的要害就在语法上。

The common language - English has been using by 应该是被动 a great amount of people with globalization process, especially used by tourists who travel around the world. Some scholars pointed 指出应该是point out, 而且这里用过去式也不合适，that the rapidly 这里不应用副词 globalization development would harm minority cultures (mainly in minorities themselves 这个没懂你想表达什么 and minor languages), while in my opinion, it is not entirely true.

Tourists brought variety of information and their own thoughts to minorities via English when they traveled to other nations. 没有必要用过去式 In this case, it had affected local culture for sure.没必要过去完成时，完成时即可 Firstly, minorities would learn English if they should communicate with tourists. As the proportion of used English 这个很怪，你应该是想说 English User 吧 rise 应该加s continually, minor languages would gradual 这里倒是应该用副词了disappear. Secondly, people always enhance themselves initiatively 这句什么意思? when they have been told they can do better. The newly information minorities known, 不解 makes them reconsider problems and try something new. That is to say, it might change their traditional life style, such as, use using lighter to make fire instead of drill drilling woods. Therefore, tourism and English are really impacting local surroundings negatively in 应该是to some extent.

先保证把句子写对，然后才能看如何去写好。

ecust

多谢大侠多次相助，这初中不好好学习又没读过高中的人，真是伤不起。。。。。

ecust

You have been experiencing problems with the local public transport. Write a letter to the manager of the public transportation services and say:

- How have you used the local public transport?
- What problems have you experienced?
- Suggest how they can improve the service.


Dear Mr. Hanson,

My name is Dick Wang and I go to the office from home by public transport every day. I am writing this letter to flinging out two suggestions, because the service you offered has disappointed me a little.

I prefer to take the bus to the company at 7 in the morning everyday as there is a bus station close to my apartment. But I had found the bus came by hourly since last month. That is to say, I would have to wait next one for an hour if I miss the schedule. In my opinion, the time gap is too long, especially during rush hour. I missed one last Friday and I was late for work with no doubts, because there was no other public transport could take.

My suggestions are: adjust the frequency on bus arriving in 20-minute intervals and add a new one which can take passengers to the closest subway station. It is important for individuals who live around here because we do not have other public transport nearby.

Neighbors would appreciate if you consider my suggestions seriously. Please let me know the decision you made. I am looking forward for your reply.

Yours Sincerely,
Dick Wang

[ 本帖最后由 ecust 于 31-5-2012 12:54 编辑 ]

hiozhioz

原帖由 intimatezhang 于 18-5-2012 16:39 发表

                               
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如果楼主雅思不赶七一的话，好好学学一下academic writing的基本知识吧。备考时间长可以看Writing Academic English这本。英文原版，非常漂亮。
时间短就读一下http://www.hioz.net/ibbs/thread-990121-1-1.html 这 ...

Thanks

ecust

You have recently made a purchase from the local department store. However, when you arrived home, you found a fault with it. Write a letter to the manager, say what the product is, explains the problem and say what you'd like to be done about it.



Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this letter to ask returning the CD player which I bought yesterday.

I came into your store and purchased a CD player back in yesterday afternoon. The CD player is produced by SONY and the type is BXD-9141. This CD player worked fine at first, but it was broken after 20 minutes. Certainly, there is no mishandling during the operation. While it should work well and play music continuously, the disc stop rolling and the player’s body is unusually hot. What I thought first was the CD did not work, so I changed another one. Unfortunately, it could not work either.

For now, return the CD player is all I ask. It is universally acknowledged the poor quality is the only reason which lead to the CD player broken itself. Were you prefer a refund, I would accept it. On the other hand, you would change a new one free of charge.

Please let me know any progresses regarding to this; I look forward for your reply.

Yours sincerely,
Jane Wang

mrcoder

临睡前，上来打击一下楼主：（，反正我也是在攻写作。
基本Follow楼主的思路修改了一下第一段，因为不是我自己熟悉的思路，所以难免差错请各位斧正。
Shopping is becoming a way of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Recent year, people spend increasingly money on shopping. Some expenses are used to buy necessities, while in others are just for entertaining. Thus there is a question concerned by individuals, which is whether whole society can be benefited from over-consumption? From my point of view, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.

>> In recent years, increasingly more people are shopping for entertainment rather than to buy what they really need. Nevertheless, as to whether this trend is positive or negative, people retain diverse attitudes. Personally, I reckon that the benefits of this phenomenon overweigh its drawbacks.

下面的论证逻辑不通顺啊，题目让你论证娱乐，你说的是过度消费啊。
First of all, over-consumption waste money is the most important aspect that a host of consumers are believed. But in fact, this conception is not totally correct. Firstly, it is not wasting that consumers buy something valuable and useful, even though they buy a vast number of commodities back and never use. For instance, purchase antiques. Secondly, we cannot arbitrarily conclude as there are various ways that individuals taking care of their personal goods wisely. Donation is a case in point. Therefore, over-consumption is nothing directly related to wasting.

楼主的TA、CC、GRA肯定到不了7分，TA/CC怀疑到不了6。LA似乎还可以哈应该在6、7之间吧。

ecust

多谢,我把要求贴出来仔细看看....


task response:
•        addresses all parts of the task
•        presents a clear position throughout the response
•        presents, extend and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to over-generalize and/or supporting ideas may lack focus.



coherence and cohesion
•        logically organizes information and ideas, there is clear progression throughout
•        lises a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-or over use
•        presents a clear topic within each paragraph




lexical resource
•        uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
•        uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
•        may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation




Grammatical range and accuracy
•        uses a variety of complex structures
•        produces frequent error-free sentences
•        has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few mistake

ecust

Shopping is becoming a way of entertainment. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

In present-days society, people spend large amounts of money on shopping. Some expenses are used to buy necessities, while others are just for entertaining. Thus there is a question concerning by individuals: whether whole society benefited from entertainment expenditure? From my point of view, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.

Although many people subscribe to the belief that entertaining consumptions waste money, this is in fact a common misconception that we need to clear up. Firstly, wasting is not that consumers buy something in terms of valuable and useful, even though they buy a vast number of commodities back and never use. For instance, people collect numbers of antiques as they pretty enjoy the collection. Secondly, we cannot arbitrarily conclude whether shopping for entertainment would be a waste as there are various selections for individuals to taking care of their personal goods wisely. Donation is a case in point. Therefore, the entertaining consumption is nothing directly related to the wasting.

Meanwhile, it is universally acknowledged that the entertaining consumptions would stimulate economic development. Obviously, factories would produce more commodities in order to satisfy people’s needs if all goods were sold out. In other words, mass expenditures on entertainment would encourage productivity, and then it would lead to rapid economic growth. It is worth mentioning that the consumer index increased 30 percent in China last year and she maintained a very high growth rate in terms of GDP, which reported by the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) two months ago.

To sum up, although some people believe that shopping for entertainment would cause wasting, it is undeniable that it makes a great contribution to society, such as, stimulate economic development. Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that increasingly entertaining consumptions are positive to the development.



上一个版本给出去批改结果为5.5分,以下部分为根据批改老师修改的版本:

In present-day society, people spend large amounts of money on shopping. Some expenses are made to buy necessities, while others are just for desire and pleasure. Thus, there is a question concerning individuals: whether or not whole society benefits from shopping which is done as a form of entertainment?  From my perspective, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.

Although many people subscribe to the belief that often times shopping is a waste of money, this is in fact a common misconception that we need to clear up. Firstly, wasting is not the same as consumers buying something valuable and useful, even though they buy a vast number of commodities that they never use. For instance, people collect numbers of antiques as a hobby or investment. Secondly, as there are various selections for owners to taking care of their personal goods in an elegant way, we cannot arbitrarily conclude that spend money on obtaining pleasure is a waste. The donation is a case in point. Therefore, the consumption of the entertainment is nothing directly related to the wasting.

Meanwhile, it is universally acknowledged that the consumptions would stimulate economic development. Obviously, factories would produce more commodities in order to satisfy people’s needs if all goods were sold out. In other words, shopping as an entertaining activity would encourage productivity, and then it would lead to rapid economic growth.

To sum up, although some people believe that shopping as a mean of entertainment would cause wasting, it is undeniable that costs on entertainment makes a great contribution to society, such as, stimulate economic development. Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that the trend towards shopping becoming a way of entertainment is a positive development.


[ 本帖最后由 ecust 于 7-6-2012 17:35 编辑 ]

mrcoder

我要是能有楼主这么勤奋估计早就过了。真心佩服楼主的毅力。但是你这个练法上七太困难了。要不找个英语好的朋友帮你补一补基础语法，要么就找个老师。

kebuxiai

Recent year, people spend increasingly money on shopping. Some expenses are used to buy necessities, while in others are just for entertaining. Thus there is a question concerned by individuals, which is whether whole society can be benefited from extra consumption. From my point of view, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.
Nowadays, an interesting phenomenon that people are willing to spend more and more money on shopping not for buying goods they need but for chasing the addictive desires causes many people’s concern. Some of them think that excessive consumption could stimulus economy and then the whole society would benefit from it; while others point out over consumption would result in many negatives and do harm to the whole society in medium-and-long term. And I agree with the idea that excessive consumption should not be encouraged.
1.        我觉得应该是recent years
2.        increasingly money应该是increasing 吧
3.        第二句用主动语态是不是比较好？Some is used to buy necessities, while some other is for entertaining. (感觉像是说一部分用来买生活必需品，另一部分花在日常娱乐上了，应该是用错了词)
4.        第三句好像有语法错误,而且中国式“于是，一个问题产生了，英语很少这种表述吧？”。英语高手来指出吧。而且定语从句一定要紧跟被修饰的词的，which引导的是修饰的是question,但是中间隔了那么多东西，是很严重的语法错误。Thus, many people doubt whether or not excessive consumption could benefit the whole society in medium-an-long term.
5.        In my opinion, excessive consumption would (下面想说几点，这里就阐述几个观点)； that is to say……(that is 前面用分号，是语法要求，不要乱用标点符号)

kebuxiai

我也推荐上面有人推荐的writing academic essay，很好的一本书，看看正宗老外怎么行文造句的，老外很注重逻辑的，如果文章在逻辑上说不通，那些头脑简单的家伙根本看不懂，看都看不懂，怎么可能会得高分。
然后找一本原版的好些的grammar的书，楼主的grammar错误是成片出现的，grammar水平提不上去，7分根本是妄想。我用的是longman的，这两本书加起来也有1000页了，楼主从基础抓起吧，基础牢靠了，就不会抓瞎了。

kebuxiai

In present-days society, people spend large amounts of money on shopping. Some expenses are used to buy necessities, while others are just for entertaining. Thus there is a question concerning by individuals: whether whole society benefited from entertainment expenditure? From my point of view, the answer is yes – that is to say, it is a positive development.
present-day society（没见过这种用法），很陌生
a large amount of +uncountable noun
money在前面，后面最好别用expenses这类复数形式。 some is used to……
thus, (请查语法书确定一下，我觉得thus后面要加逗号)
there is +doing的结构在这里很怪。为什么不用主动语态。如果要用冒号，我觉得应该是question: ……中间不要夹杂太多东西
whether (the) whole society benefits (为什么用过去式？)
entertainment expenditure娱乐支出（娱乐产业？？？你要讨论的是shopping中的过度消费，花钱找快感，第一段就摁偏题了）
that is to say前面标点错了。第一段没必要通过that is to say 来展开论述，而且，最好用that is 就行了。用这类没意义的词来凑字数是不行的，可能会招致反感。

YUEXMA

同意楼上的看法，楼主的问题在于艰深的词汇和离谱的语法组合在一起，考官会认为你是硬套模板的。

woyunsi3000

网友们太热心了，我的作文还找不到人帮忙看呢，写了篇放在英语交流区无人问津，放过来又怕版面不对，纠结啊，不然我也开个帖子？会不会弄坏风气啊

ecust

More and more employees work at home with modern technology. Some people claim that it benefits only workers, but not employers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?



In recent years, as high technology develops rapidly, people work at home instead of going to the office. As more employees prefer working in this way, employers, who paid to employees, consider finally that whether companies could benefit from it.

Although commonly believed that the home office is beneficial to employees only, this is actually not the case. As a matter of fact, not only employers but employees benefit from the way the home work.

It is obvious that individuals feel more comfortable and convenient when they work at home. Firstly, that surrounding from home was familiar by homeowners. Generally, people work in a good mood and feel easeful if they stay in a well-known environment. Secondly, time arrangement becomes more reasonable. If there are no tasks assigning to employees, they could do anything they want, such as play basketball in the backyard or do house works. On the other hand, they work at night for emergency arrangements. Last but not least, employees save their time on transportation. Of course we do not need extra time on driving to the office; we turn on the laptop and the work begins.

Meanwhile, as employees prefer flexible working which involve home working, the cooperation benefit from it as well. Were employees working from home, employers not only could save office expenses but also would extend the time of employee’s work relatively. As we all know, it costs a lot of money if people work in office because employers have to pay the different kind of bills in terms of electricity, rent and phone. Consequently, the company could save part of it if employees work at home. Similarly, while employees who come to the office by public transport begin to work, others who work at home have worked an hour already. Therefore, the way the home office makes employees to working extra hours.

Given the above argument, it is reasonable to conclude that working at home is both beneficial to employers and employees.

[ 本帖最后由 ecust 于 7-6-2012 13:11 编辑 ]

kebuxiai

只看第一段
语法的错误有

instead of doing
employees prefer doing
thus这句和前句之间不构成因果关系
consider 后面的that删除
whether their companies could benefit from the trend单复数错了

第一段完全没有完成作为一个完整的essay所应该完成的任务
说实话，第一段毫无意义，可能会把改卷子的老外看崩溃……

kebuxiai

楼主，真心的，你与其哼哧哼哧的在这里写作文写的起劲，不如拿出整块的时间把语法作为一个雅思的专题，先攻克再说……