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标题: 受yrqin, zhengzhi大虾指点，我把之前练习过的习作翻出来，Refine/Refector一下 [打印本页]

作者: hales 时间: 7-4-2012 19:31
标题: 受yrqin, zhengzhi大虾指点，我把之前练习过的习作翻出来，Refine/Refector一下
受Zhengzhi大虾的指点，练习的时候不要拘泥于时间，要学会总结，要力求把每篇文章写好，哪怕经过无数次修改，这才是练习写作的正确方法。每天一篇的习作，可能无异于重复每天重复的错误。
也受yrqin的教诲，文章不能太天马行空，需要做到有理有据，并有一定的框架。

我把自己修改过的文章再发上来，后面也会把第一个版本的文章发上来供参考。请大虾们过目并指教：
作文论题：
Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

我的习作V2

In the present-day world, a controversial debate has been sparked about whether famous sports professionals deserve a great deal of money paid to them. Some people may think it is unfair as the rewards were thought to be too much more than that in other fields. In my view, however, not only are the rich remunerations undoubtedly justified, but people in other professions also have their paths to successes with great incomes.

It is apparently not an easy task to achieve the professional level, which usually needs long time and great efforts. Sports professionals often need to start the career from their childhood, from when they face extremely high pressure to achieve a high physical and mental level, which needs rigorous training and persistence. Furthermore, it is also well acceptable that to have a world class achievement, they need to have also the talents, which only a few people possess. Moreover, they also risk abandoning the career due to a variety of reasons, such as unexpected injury or physical diseases caused by daily high risk practices. It has to be admitted that to have publicly acknowledged achievement, professional athletes need to sacrifice their leisure time and risk their physical health.

After persistent training and tough competitions, they may own high payments. The duration of the career peak, however, is very short, usually several years. Additionally, their major incomes often come from being advertisement ambassadors sponsored by famous companies. And the spiritual values that the athletes bring are usually incalculable for both the sponsoring companies and the public. The great incomes are reasonable rewards to the persistence, high risk and talented quantities, as well as great values brought.

Some people may insist that professional in other fields are not so well paid, but it is not true. Famous musicians, extraordinary pianists, outstanding artists and photographers have all high incomes. People ignore these facts maybe because sports professionals are often too shining in public medium and their incomes usually become part of news and well known, while other talented people with great success often have less chance to expose. Furthermore, in many other fields like engineering, people could also find their paths to great successes. For example, an engineer with great talent could design a software or hardware which could bring a great deal of money, even in short time. If he has also talent of management stills, it is possible for him to operate a successful company, even when he was still every young.

In conclusion, it is fair that successful sports professionals obtain well paid career. This also encourages more brilliant and talented people devoted to their own professions.

作者: windwing00 时间: 8-4-2012 01:43
1、This also encourages more brilliant and talented people devoted to their own professions. “devoted"不对吧？这句有点别扭；
2、读着感觉别扭，呵呵
3、好像这篇文章要求说明下什么人应该被Well paid，你的composition里面没有这个啊！

作者: hales 时间: 8-4-2012 15:29

原帖由 windwing00 于 8-4-2012 01:43 发表

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1、This also encourages more brilliant and talented people devoted to their own professions. “devoted"不对吧？这句有点别扭；
2、读着感觉别扭，呵呵
3、好像这篇文章要求说明下什么人应该被Well paid，你 ...

谢谢评论。
1，应该是devoting。
2，能否说说哪里觉得别扭？是不是语言使用不地道？
3，这篇文章，我的理解，是要问体育明星明星的收入比其他行业收入高很多，讨论其合理与否！关于立题，我觉得是最关键的。写歪了可能只有5分了。欢迎再次讨论。

作者: hales 时间: 9-4-2012 10:27
继续求指教。

作者: asxdcfv 时间: 9-4-2012 18:28
文中写到其他职业也能获得高薪水,这个说法虽然对.只是不太符合题目的要求.
题目要求辩论公平不公平.而不是谁都可以拿到高薪水.
个人感觉阿.
不过,文字方面感觉不错,挺好了.对于我有点复杂噢..呵呵

作者: hales 时间: 24-5-2012 11:20
楼上的成绩有点....写作和口语竟然比听力和阅读好！
一般，像我这样都是倒过来的！
楼上的也要4x7嘛？

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