写作一直达不到6分怎么办(过了,谢谢大家)

yypp2009

To 27楼hadesatan，谢谢你的意见，8月13日作文考团队运动的好处，我记得写了三点：1、培养合作精神；2、培养输赢观念；3、增强沟通能力。本来我也以为自己这次可能会写得好一些，结果还是没过，现在想下，可能有几个原因：第二点培养输羸观念的观点有些离题；每个论点没有具体展开。因为我看到你说“Team Sport中如何能够教会孩子沟通能力，个人玩游戏是如何不能进行沟通。”我在论证的时候就没有谈到个人运动，只一味说团队如何如何好，可能就没有说服力了。。

yypp2009

还有28楼新格咪咪，感谢你的鼓励，我翻看了你之前的作文练习，觉得你的语句直白，用的词汇也不算难，可是表达比较清晰，可能这就是雅思写作要求的。反而是我可能受了一些写作书和上培训班的影响，没有真正学会用模板，用得不伦不类，希望大家继续批评指正

yypp2009

还有一个问题请教大家，写小作文书信的时候，在交代完背景一般会出现三个提示要点，如写一封信和旧同事告别，交代（1）为什么你要回国；（2）和大家共事时有哪些乐趣；（3）什么时候，如何再见面
这三个要点必须按先后顺序展开吗？还是只要在文中能展现这三个要素就可以了？

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 29-8-2011 03:21 编辑 ]

yypp2009

本来我觉得一定是按顺序写下来，不过写作老师说有时是要调换的，是这样的吗

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 14-9-2011 10:38 编辑 ]

yypp2009

题： Some believe that air travel should be restricted because it causes serious pollution and use up the world "fuel resource",to what extent, do ou agree and disagree.

Air travel is much more affordable to general public and it causes some pollutions and consumes the world "fuel resource" .Some believe, therefoe, air travel should be restricted. As far as I concerned, I hold that air travel should not be limited.
Admittedly, air travel produces air and noise pollution on the world. Petrol is main source to airplane and burning of petrol emits a great deal of carbon dioxide which greatly contributes to global warming. Also airplanes make great noise to local community. That is the reason why airports are built faraway from the residential area.
But it doesn't mean that air trip should be limited.As we all know, burning coal also makes severe air pollution,but it is still be widely used on the world as one of the most common energy resource.So does the "fuel resource".
Furthermore,There are many measures have been taken to reduce the pollution caused by airplane, such as replacing airplanes' engines and installing noise absorber.Hence,the pollution has alreday been cut down on large scale. What is more, airplanes emit corban dioxide hundreds feet above floor  makes less  impact than cars.
It is absurd for some to agrue that air trip should be limited on the ground that it may uses up all the energy. According to survey, airplanes only consume 10% resource amongst all the energy in the world. So it is impossible to use out all the resource.
In conclusion, it its ridiculous for some extremists to calm that airplanes use up all the resource. Although air trips cause some noise and air pollution, they should not be limited.
请3WU及其他TZ帮忙看下这个结构可以吗，第二段是不是有点没有切入正题？？

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 29-8-2011 12:56 编辑 ]

hadesatan

原帖由 yypp2009 于 29-8-2011 12:34 发表

                               
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题： Some believe that air travel should be restricted because it causes serious pollution and use up the world "fuel resource",to what extent, do ou agree and disagree.

Air travel is much more aff ...

第一段比以前好了，提出了自己的观点，后面看了感觉在反驳题目给出的2个反对的原因。但总觉得好像少了点什么东西。

如果是我的话，可能会这么写：
第1段写自己的观点，就是认为不应该被restricted。
第2段写原因之一：air travel并不会像大家认为的那样，会产生这么多污染，会使用这么多能源。然后举些例子（你文章中10%的例子，等等）
第3段写原因之二：即便没有air travel这些污染还是会有，限制air travel并不是解决污染问题、全球变暖问题的最好手段。关键是要增强人们的环保意识，不能因噎废食。
第4段写原因之三：air travel的无可替代的好处，人们无法或缺这项交通手段。如果仅仅因为环保就取消、限制，那是非常可惜和不值的。
最后总结一下，强调自己的观点，再建议通过改善引擎等方式降低、减少该交通手段的弊端。

可能你文章中少了AIR TRAVEL有什么好处，不可替代的地方，感觉议论的比较弱。只是见招拆招的感觉。第二段花很多篇幅写了一大堆它的负面影响，感觉字数超过了你第三段的反驳，使得反驳不够强烈。负面影响一两句话带过，然后重点放在你的反驳和议论上！字数比例不够的话，议论怎么可能有效展开？

hadesatan

原帖由 yypp2009 于 29-8-2011 02:58 发表

                               
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To 27楼hadesatan，谢谢你的意见，8月13日作文考团队运动的好处，我记得写了三点：1、培养合作精神；2、培养输赢观念；3、增强沟通能力。本来我也以为自己这次可能会写得好一些，结果还是没过，现在想下，可能有几个 ...

嗯，沟通是我第一原因，展开的比较多，我说了人是社会动物，离不开和他人的交流沟通。团队运动可以让孩子学会如何表达自己，如何让他人理解自己。然后写一个人玩游戏不能锻炼这个能力，即便可以连网进行简单交流，但是也不是面对面的沟通交流。

你提及的培养输赢观念感觉有点偏，因为一个人玩游戏也能培养输赢观念。游戏不都是有结果，有输赢的嘛……

Xavy

雅思书我还有很多《十天》口语和写作都有，广州的同学我可以免费送，有时间提前联系我然后到市桥地铁站等（不用出地铁站）

3WU

希望通过重点点评你一小段，能够起到抛砖引玉的作用。

就看你的翻译版的逻辑。

1）第一段没有起到中心句的作用，因为它跟其他句子关系不甚大。 你原文第一句 说的是 many other  翻译应该是 “很多其他”。 可是你第二句，便说 教育是万能的。显然第一二句 不但关系不甚大，而且有自打嘴巴的感觉。你何不直接把第二句 拿来做中心句？ 这样中心句也不空泛了。 不然 many other  具体指什么呢？ 如果你列举出来那也成呀。

2）第二和第三句能构成  因果关系吗？ 第二句原文是 the impact of education  翻译应该是， 教育的影响 让你相信它的万能。  在不知道 究竟什么impact  的情况下，你就断定一定要教育群众。而且无端端还提到政府开支预算。 中间的关系又是什么？ 你压根没提，这不让人觉得七零八落吗？

3） 众所周知不是这么说的， 而是 It is well-konwn that... 另外，你翻译的时候，难道没发现连中文的语法都是错的吗？

4） 第三 地四，又是不相干的两个“观点”。 请注意，他们只能认为是观点，并不是例证，也不是论述。也就是说，你这个段落列举了 3个分观点，但没有任何一个被论证。由于你只 提观点，每个观点之间没有任何因果关系，句子结构自然松散。其实你每一个观点，都能独立分出来作为一个段落讨论。

比如 ：
第一个中心句 就拿 the impact of education  说事。 第二句马上就阐述，指出哪些impact.（扩展中心句）。 第三句，第四句 给出例子，说明真有那么些impact  （例证）。 最后一句归纳（换个花样认可 education  是很有效的手段， 以达到辩论的作用）

xiaojia

过来学习一下。

3WU

第二段 不是不 切题， 而是结构松散。没有呈上启下的效果。 在你 原意的基础稍微，稍稍挪动了一下：

原文：Admittedly, air travel produces air and noise pollution on the world. Petrol is main source to airplane and burning of petrol emits a great deal of carbon dioxide which greatly contributes to global warming. Also airplanes make great noise to local community. That is the reason why airports are built faraway from the residential area.

挪动版（不考虑语法，词汇的使用）
Admittedly,  air travel produces serious   pollutions that affect the health of public. Pollutions such as poor air quality and high disruptive noise can be generated due to the usage of airplanes(解释首句，拓展观点). Petrol is one of the main fuels of airplane. However, burning this (简单而实用的连接词) kind of fossil fules could increas the emission of carbon dioxide and therefore greatly affect the global warming. On the other hand (段内转折), air vehicles can result in (与 produce  同义) excessive (great  的同义) noise up to XX dB.  It has been reported that (瞎编)  explosing to noise level of  CCdB for  longer than 1hour per day could lead to (与 result  in  同义) many diseases,such as  TATATATA. Therefore, in general, air travel is a harmful form of traveling.

[ 本帖最后由 3WU 于 30-8-2011 10:15 编辑 ]

yypp2009

some children seem to not have the natural ability to study language so schools should not force childen to learn foreign language. do you agree or disagree?

I do not agree that school should not force school children to study foreign language if they do not have language abilities

our educational system bases on that everyone can be taught to be a talent in every aspect. That is why students are required to study a range of courses, even they do not have a talent in a particular course. when it comes to studying foreign language ,the purpose of it is not help children to develop their talent . Instead , it helps young children to better understand this world and master a wy of communication with foreign visitors,thereby helping  them to get a favorable position ,when they grow up.this is particularly essential for young students living in modern society.

In addition, schools' practice shall not be equally with forcing students to learn any subject. After all,all the subjects are set by professers and experts through a lot of research.The courses have been tested that can efficiently cultivate students' comprehensive  abilities rather than to satisfy individuals ' interest. It is quite impossible for experts to set any course according to each students favor or perferrence since neither children nor parents have got the clear idea of what should be learned.

In conclusion,  children should obey the school arrangement to study foreign language ,even they do not have language ability.

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 13-9-2011 23:26 编辑 ]

2027342883

我觉得有几个问题，你可能需要注意：
1. 单词使用不平衡。有些单词过大且不合适，如前面的几位高人所说；但是另一方面，过于口语化的单词又经常出现，如quite，have got等。事实上，对于6分的作文，基本难度的单词已经可以足够应付，对于自己不是很把握的大词，倒不如用一些常用的词，但切忌使用口语用词。大词和口语用词共同出现在文章中，只会让人觉得你对英语词汇的驾驭能力非常弱；
2.英语文章讲究层次和逻辑性。例如，要用两个观点证明一件事好，那么必须明确表明出是哪两个观点；第二，怎么好，而不是拼命的说很好、有优点，而是到底好在哪。说到逻辑性，你这篇文章逻辑有很大问题，第一个论点里，你前面说的“学校教育的根基”与后面的“外语学习的目的”没有什么内在和必然的联系；同样的问题也出现在第二个论点里。
3.句子的思维方式过于中文化。好多句子明显是生硬的翻译了你头脑中出现的中文句子。“shall not be equally(?) with”大概就是来自于“···不等于···”这样的中文句型，不建议使用。另外注意一些基本语法，不需要过多使用你不确定的复杂句（如果你的要求只是6分，建议使用相对简单的句子结合一些非常有效的连词和副词）。
仅供参考！

yypp2009

感谢楼上的点评,但是对于教育的根基这一 部分我是用他来说明即使没有天分，小孩也可以学到 东西

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 13-9-2011 23:05 编辑 ]

yypp2009

不过我有些论证的确没有展开,就是不知道怎么说清楚这个道理..

yypp2009

感谢大家，包括之前3WU很多次的点评，没能一一道谢。。九月底要把雅思考出来，，情况很危急。。我会继续贴，，希望大家帮忙，，只要指出问题即可。。

yypp2009

You plan to study in English-speaking country, you have a friend in this country, write to your friends to ask for help.
1)        Your Study Plan;
2)        Explain why you look for part time job.
3)        Make some suggestions to find the job.


Dear Jack：
How is everything going in Australia？We don’t keep in touch for long time. I am writing this letter to ask for your help, as I am going to study a master degree in Australia..

I have applied 2 year maser IT degree in UTS. As my IELTS score below academic requirement, I have to take language course in Holmes. It takes about 3 months. I want to choose the course in daytime and finish in 2 years, because my parents have limited finance to support my study. To make matter worse, my parents want to send my brother to Australia after a year. As a bigger brother, I want to ease my parents’ financial burden. Therefore, I need to take a part time job.

I heard that you are working in a restaurant. If it is possible, could you please introduce me to your boss? I do not mind work in kitchen or canteen. Or do you have any friends or colleagues working in other places and their employers are looking for staff. So you can introduce me to them; or you can post my resume to the job seeking website.

Thank you in advance.

Best regards

yypp2009

Nowadays many parents buy a lot of toys to their children to play, what is the advantage and disadvantage of children playing with toys?

It exists a common phenomenon that nowadays parents buy a host of toys for their kids to play. I firmly believe that children play with toys have more advantage than disadvantage.

There is no denying that kids playing with toys have numerous benefits. To begin with, toys are children’s companions to kill their boring time. Nowadays, many families only have a child; as a result, children born in such families have no brothers and sisters and parents are too busy to spend time with their children. Therefore, it is toys that can kill their leisure time. Moreover, toys can help children to cultivate a sense of loving, which is very essential to their careers. This is mainly due to the fact that children have to look after their own toys. When they grow up, they may have loving hearts makes it possible to successful; as the old saying goes: good people have a good ending. Finally, children playing with a number of toys helps their intellectual development. It is quite important to their academic study. Well-known is the fact that children have vivid memory and more curiosity. And toys have various sorts of designs. Therefore, they can fulfill their imagination. This is very good to their academic development.

However, there are certain dangers for children playing with the number of toys. They may argue that spending time with toys occupy children’s valuable studying time, as a result, they have not enough time spending on their studies or other aspects, such as communicating with peers. But I think this problem only occasionally happen in some irresponsible families. Generally children benefit numerously from playing with toys.

In conclusion, regarding this issue, my view is that children benefit a lot from toys. Therefore, parents should be buy more toys for their children.

yypp2009

9月3日考的一场，回来凭大概记忆写了一遍，大家帮我看下有希望到六分吗？

yypp2009

或者指出文章的一些明显扣分点吧。。谢谢啦。。

jamesxiao72

Admittedly
Furthermore
In conclusion

个人看法. 这些词用烂了, 考官看着会有点反感, 用随便一点的句子代替, 连词用在复杂句中就行了, 没必要每个段落固定这样开局, 有点死板.

西澳海豚

原帖由 yypp2009 于 13-9-2011 23:51 发表

                               
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Nowadays many parents buy a lot of toys to their children to play, what is the advantage and disadvantage of children playing with toys?

It exists a common phenomenon that nowadays parents buy a ho ...

5.5??

3WU

只看了小作文和大作文 第一段。就知道这回5分上下。
小作文，几乎看不到一句是没有语法错误的。
大作文，第一段就问非所答。

yypp2009

原帖由 3WU 于 14-9-2011 22:37 发表

                               
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只看了小作文和大作文 第一段。就知道这回5分上下。
小作文，几乎看不到一句是没有语法错误的。
大作文，第一段就问非所答。

嗯,3WU有没有一些关于短期提高语法的建议或方法?现在真是火烧眉毛了。。。

v2rain

Dear Jack：
How is everything going in Australia？We don’t（最好不要用缩写） keep in touch （keep in touch是说多联系吧，这里你是想说很久没联系了吧？说成“我们很久没有多联系了”会不会很奇怪？）for long time. I am writing this letter to ask for your help, as I am going to study a master degree in Australia..

I have applied 2 year maser IT degree in UTS. （apply是一个瞬间动词，用过去式就可以了，如果要表示状态要用被动）As my IELTS score is （缺从句谓语）below academic requirement, I have to take language course in Holmes. It takes about 3 months. I want to choose the course in daytime and finish in 2 years, because my parents have limited finance to support my study. To make matter worse（直接翻译是“为了让情况更差，我爸妈怎么了怎么了”还是奇怪。是否可以用what makes it worse is that....), my parents want to send my brother to Australia after a year. As a bigger brother, I want （want重复了，表示意愿可以说would like，表示打算可以说intend（上一句）; ease的主语应该是能够减轻负担的东西，不是你，所以……I would like to do something that can ease...）to ease my parents’ financial burden. Therefore, I need to take a part time job.

I heard that you are working in a restaurant. If it is possible, could you please introduce me to your boss? I do not mind work in kitchen or canteen. Or do you have any friends or colleagues working in other places and their employers are looking for staff. （问号）So 这里为何要so？去掉you can 话说你在求人家……可否用it would be very appriciated if you can.....introduce me to them; or you can post my resume to (on) the job seeking website.

Thank you in advance.

Best regards

v2rain

楼主 我觉得还是基本功吧。。基本功扎实了6分就没问题了。。。。

3WU

原帖由 yypp2009 于 15-9-2011 05:29 发表

                               
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嗯,3WU有没有一些关于短期提高语法的建议或方法?现在真是火烧眉毛了。。。

语法是基本功，所以积累很重要。但要快速提高，至少提高到一个少写错句的程度，也是有一定速成的办法的。但过程会很痛苦。。。

1。 到网上 找一些有 既有题目，又有范文（或者 语法比较正确的 考生答案） 的练习。  不看答案，自己按时间先写一遍。。
2。把自己文章 不限时间，认真修改。
3。看范文/别人答案，第一： 分析结构。第二分析观点。第三，也是最痛苦的部分：分析每一个句子的 语法，用不同的颜色，划分出主语，谓语， 宾语，固定连词组合，从句格式，标点符号。 一句一句地分析，开始很痛苦，很慢。。可是你会进步的，而且进步很快。因为你在分析过程中会发现很多用法，或者固定连词，时态等，跟你原来想法不一致，这种知识的冲突，第一，让你履步艰难， 第二，一旦把这种冲突积累到一定程度（3篇左右优秀范文）， 你便知道自己的语法缺陷， 并能自己给自己修改。
4。把自己文章 再次修改。
5。 找人修改，最好是 English speaker.
6.  审查别人的修改。。分析自己的错误，总结问题，形成再一次思潮冲突。
7。 带着自己的收获，重新写文章（可以是原来的题目）。。。
8。。回到 第一步。。直到 雅斯达到要求。

kuthlaav

原帖由 yypp2009 于 23-8-2011 22:27 发表

                               
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这一年来考了不知多少次了，其他项都上了6分，就是写作一直5分或5.5，平时练习作文都写了两个笔记本了，培训课也交了不少钱，但写作就是提高不上去，不知问题出在哪里，恳请坛子里的高手帮忙指正下，先谢谢大家了。
...

个人意见，本人雅思盲，看了笑笑就好。我作业也很差，只能找出一部分问题。

小作文：
a.Your English teacher who taught you several years have invited you to have a meal at his house, but you can not go,1)explain the reason;2) suggest next arrangement;3)tell him about yourself and your improvement in English learning.

我的练习：
Dear Professor James:
Thank you for inviting me to have meals at your house next Friday. It was my great honor. I am sorry to tell you that I am not available on that day. Because I have an exam at my university. I am sorry for any inconvenience caused by this change.
题目是have a meal，你写的have meals，你真馋，吃一顿还不够。
it was my great honor，时态可能有问题吧，考虑is。
i regret to inform you that i will not be available that day, for it clashes with my exam.
cause by this change可以考虑省略。
可以考虑写成，我个人理解的啊
thank you for your invitation, it is my honor. but i regret to inform you that i am supposed to have an exam next friday, so i am afraid i will not be able to call on you.

After finishing the high school,I was accepted by XX University with the major of English. In the university, I always use the methods you taught me to practice English, which makes great contribution to my overall English ability. When it comes to this ,I should take this opportunity to thank you. In the final exam last year, I won the first prize in the Department of English. And this year I am going to study Cambridge Business English for getting a favourable position in future.
high school前面不用加the。  accepted考虑admitted。in the university可以省略。 i always study english the way you taught me。  for getting这个getting可以省略。

Last week, we were informed that we will have final exam on next Fiday. So important the exam is that I can not miss. But it causes you many inconvenience. Please forgive me. I am very happy to have an opportunity to have meal with you . Considering that I have exam on Friday. Is it possible to arrange on Monday, 26th July? If it is not suit your schedule, please let me know. So we can make alternative arrangement. You can contact me on XXXX. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
时态问题 we were informed that we would……
so开始的句子需要倒装，so important is the exam that i can not miss it.
if it is not suitable for you,  suit是动词，不用在am/is/are后面使用。


Best regards

sarahfox

恭喜楼主过了啊。。。。。。。