刚刚开始真正动笔练习写作，希望各位老师前辈指点一下。

wenzy1234

我的目标是4个7分，也必须要拿到这个分数，听说读写的基础都很一般，之前一直在练听读说，写只是在看写作书，背单词，一直没有真正动笔练。前两天跟国外亲戚电话里练习口语的时候，正好聊到一个话题（Save money or not save money?），我说干脆我写一篇这个话题的文章吧，对我的写作摸个底。
请论坛里的各位老师前辈们多多指点，让我找点方向。十分感谢。


It is a frequent topic of discussion that which is better, saving money or not. People who save money think they have enough money to do whatever they want, and people who do not always enjoy their life all day and night. In my mind, it is necessary to save money.

Saving money helps people have a reasonable financial management. People could divide their income per month into several parts, such as for daily expense, stocks, insurance, installment, deposit, which makes them not concerned about an unexpected bill. Even though there is not so much extra money for frequent recreational activities, they can plan occasionally leisure activities like a travel with family or a party with friends. As they have plans on money, they can afford expensive consuming. Sometimes, people spend money impulsively, and it is possible that people not saving money have a financial embarrassment after purchase something they bump into. Essentially, the money saved is a kind of insurance, which equips people the ability to plan their life.

However, people not saving money live a relaxed life. They focus not on planning but on enjoying their life, which brings plenty of surprise. Due to this, they are usually not under much pressure. Although it seems leading a wonderful life, it is not suitable for everyone, because it is hard to be a sustainable life style.

Money plays an important role in our life, and so does saving money. Saving money will bring us into a wonderful and sustainable life as long as we can balance.

janetluo

先顶下

MillerYang

瞎说两句。。。

结构上缺少些连词和引导词

有些词重复了（比如frequent，wonerful。。。），尽量多用些同义词

等高人

magics

简单看了下，word里修订过的放不到这里来。
这个文章应该在5.5-6分之间。基本的语法错误楼主都很注意的避免了
但是问题也很多：
1. 很多中式表达。比如：
It is a frequent topic of discussion that which is better, saving money or not.
是不是这样好点？
It is a frequent topic of discussion that people should save money or not.

2.句子构成感觉很怪，要多学学看看好的句子，修正自己的sentence format.

3. 意群组织散乱，很少连接词帮助梳理。主要是第三段。让人看了很晕。

楼主的十天还是看过的，这点不错。

v2rain

作文考不到7的就不献丑鸟。。。。

wenzy1234

原帖由 magics 于 23-8-2011 12:20 发表

                               
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简单看了下，word里修订过的放不到这里来。
这个文章应该在5.5-6分之间。基本的语法错误楼主都很注意的避免了
但是问题也很多：
1. 很多中式表达。比如：
It is a frequent topic of discussion that which is b ...

多谢指点，要继续努力

woailvzi

我只是感觉字数好像不够。
楼主加油！