看样子，大家冲7的人不少， 我也发一篇，大家批评

maogou

]Some people who failed at school can be highly successful in their adult life. Discuss why this happens and explain the main factors contributing to a successful life.

In a knowledge-based society, people give top priority to education because they are convinced that excellent academic performances promise a bright future for the young. Interestingly, it is often reported that some of those who lead a successful life turned out to be under achievers at school. I believe there are a number of reasons behind this phenomenon. In this essay i would explore the causes and discuss the contributing factors to a success.

First of all, in spite of the fact that the meaning of success varies from person to person, it is generally acknowledged that a successful life means either a brilliant career or happy family life or the perfect combination of the both. Apparently, a pleased family life seems nothing to do with the school report of straight A. In contrast, good people skills and a thankful heart always make sense when it comes to this point. A brilliant career, meanwhile, does not merely depend on how excellent one's academic studies are. For instance, some celebrated sports personalities, despite little schooling, excel in specific events and become top professional players as a result of their gifted talent and hard work.

However, the fact that the ratio of those high achievers with sound academic background to those without is high also proves education takes an active part in process of obtaining success. In addition, continuing efforts, being well-prepared for the opportunities, healthy interpersonal relationships, outstanding communication skills all help achieve the goal.

To sum up, a success life indicates different meanings to different individuals but a few special successful cases cannot deny the important role of school education. Under no circumstances can one attain objectives if he does not possess the qualities mentioned above.

yrqin

感觉离7还有好远一段距离啊，读完一遍，脑子里就蹦出一个字：乱。。。

不过词汇和语法还不错，赞一下

maogou

谢谢，多提提思路和结构

yrqin

参考
http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewt ... id=49287#pid3202294
的评分依据：Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource,Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

我觉得你这篇里前两项做得不够，Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion。

读完In this essay i would explore the causes and discuss the contributing factors to a success.这句，我觉得考官或读者应该期待的是各种原因和因素的讨论，但是你第二段首句（算是中心句了吧？）First of all, in spite of the fact that the meaning of success varies from person to person, it is generally acknowledged that a successful life means either a brilliant career or happy family life or the perfect combination of the both. 和各种原因的讨论完全不搭嘎，把读者都搞糊涂了，不知道你这段里会讨论些什么。接下来的几句的讨论倒也还说的通。但是这个主题句是个致命伤了（让考官没了方向，糊涂了 ）。

第三段接着又说学习好的人成功概率更高，更让人头晕，题目要求的是讨论什么样的因素可以促成成功人生。你在这里却开始讨论学习好的人成功概率更高，而且作为该段主题句，考官估计眼镜也快掉了，丈二和尚摸不到头脑了。后面的 In addition,还好点，可惜主题句的失败，等于整段瞎了眼睛，必然误入歧途了。

看了最后的To sum up这段，才开始对这篇文章的思路有了一些了解，但是这种捉迷藏似的写法不符合老外的标准啊。

其实我觉得老外比较喜欢敞开大门说话，直奔主题的写作方式。先鲜明提出自己的观点（如全文的观点，每个论述段的论点），然后逐步深入讨论，说服读者接受或理解你的观点，最后简单总结前文即可。而不是让读者一边看你的文章一边琢磨着你的观点。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 9-12-2010 17:43 编辑 ]