跪求雅思写作高手进来修改作文。。。感激不尽

susu09050161

考了两次，每次都是写作败北，每次都差0.5，真的好崩溃。实在不知道怎么办才好了
只有求助freeoz中各路雅思写作大仙。如果你们不嫌麻烦，不吝赐教。在下真的感激不尽、、、、
求你们了，给我看看，我哪里出了问题。。。。。


Subject: When a country develops its technology; the traditional
skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try to and keep
them alive.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In the recent time, with the development of technology in some countries,
whether the traditional techniques and lifestyles should be maintained as well
has sparked debated. While some argue that it is unnecessary to keep them alive
now, it is my personal belief that they should in fact be preserved. The principal
reasons for this as follows.

First of all, the traditional skills and life are the symbol of the culture, which
clarify the difference among the other counties. Take China Mid-Autumn festive as a
good example, which is a day for family to get together and express their missing
to the other family member. This is a custom in China which has been maintained for
more than thousands of years. To the hold the culture unique, it is, therefore,
necessary to keep it in the future. Equally importantly, traditional techniques and
life styles could provide more employments. With the development of global trade in
these years, an increasing number of requirements to export the traditional products
to oversee countries have rapidly grown. Consequently, many traditional industries
would greatly benefit from it, then, more and more job opportunities would be supplied
to the individuals who are good at traditional skills.

Admittedly, high technology will improve our live standard and enable to make our life
effective and efficient. In the meantime, traditional skills and life activities can
also be benefited from it. In other words, we can find out some methods to keep the balance between them.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that the traditional techniques
and life styles should be protected because of their impact not only on us in these days,
but also on our offspring in the future.


[ 本帖最后由 susu09050161 于 8-10-2010 14:52 编辑 ]

艾瑞克

句子我就不帮你看了，从文章的结构来看，还是有点问题的，主要就是第三段，这一段的功能有点模糊，这到底算是主体段？还是conclusion？雅思作文其实就是八股文，建议参考一下慎小凝的10天突破，会有帮助。

distantmusic

mid-autum festival is not a good example

you'de better find sth opposite to new technology and you have to give up when adopting new technology...from this sense, the logic you use to present your opinion is not good enough

susu09050161

谢谢楼上的大哥大姐，你们是大大好人

3WU

如LS  有人说了。。结构是一个问题。 第二段 出现了两个中心：traditional skills and life

首先， 既然你中心句先提  skills  后提 life...那么你后面的陈述就应该对应安排。 先说 culture   life  后说  skills.. 然而你倒过来了。。。产生混乱，连贯性差。

再说，你的  tradition life...你是想说  traditional event  么？ 反正 life  跟。。 festive  不大有联系。


关于你的句子。。。。给人一个感觉：套句式。说白了就是有抄袭的影子。让人看了有生硬，不通顺的感觉。

段落结构不均衡。。。。不用看内容，就发现哪里些最多，那里写不够。细看第三段，缺乏例证。


然后说你的段落结构，第二段既然出现两个独立的中心，那么整个段落就该分成两段。每一段只存在一个中心。

最后 总结句， 没有起到总结的作用。 觉得不是在归纳，反而是在提出新观点。文中没有提过 “because of their impact not only on us in these days, but also on our offspring in the future.”  提到过 impact  和 future 么？