最后再发一篇小作文 求评分 剑四2 卖家俱

nicoleflopy

剑四小作文 - 2 卖家俱
题目：
You want to sell some of your furniture. You think a friend of yours might like to buy it from you.

Write a letter to your friend. In your letter
explain why you are selling
describe the furniture
suggest a date when your friend can come and see the furture

==========
练了两天小作文，感觉进步了一些。但是今天帮主申批这篇作文还是吓死了，写得巨直白，纯口语化，很中文。经过修改，这已经是我尽最大努力把它变得稍微不那么口语化了。请大家打分吧。
如果能得到认同，我们就要move forward，开始练大作文了。毕竟时间很有限了。

目标 6
============
以下，已经根据3WU同学的comments 改进。多谢

Dear Jackson,


I am writing to see if you would like to buy my compute desk, which was bought from IKEA two months ago. I will leave Shanghai in few weeks. It is inconvience and expensive to take furniture with me. Therefore, I decide to hold a garage sell this Sunday. Among the furniture there is a computer desk which I believe you might like to keep.


The computer desk is still in perfect condition. As you may have seen from IKEA advertisement, the compute desk has a wooden desktop with stainless steel legs and a file cabinet. The desktop is 2 meters long and 0.6 meter wide, which makes it big enough to accommodate[抄来了，但是还是觉得不大会用这个词] a LCD/CRT monitor and daily files. Its height is adjustable from 0.7 meter to 0.9 meter. I have always been carefully using this computer desk. I think you would like it once you see it.


You are welcome to come for an inspection before the garage sale. Saturday would be fine for me. I bought the computer desk for $150. However, you can take it for $60. I am Looking forward to your reply.


Yours,
Joe Johns

[ 本帖最后由 nicoleflopy 于 8-8-2010 19:51 编辑 ]

zhengwei1984

LZ作文需要多少分？

3WU

改善了不少。

Dear Jackson,


I am writing to see if you would like to buy my compute desk, which was bought from IKEA two months ago. I will leave Shanghai in few weeks. It is inconvience and expensive to take furniture with me. Therefore, I decide to hold a garage sell this Sunday. Among the furniture there is a computer desk which I believe you might like to keep.


The compter desk is still in perfect conditions (中心句要在第一，二句). As you may have seen from the IKEA advertisement, the compute desk has a wooden desktop with stainless steel legs and a file cabinet. The desktop is 2 meters long and 0.6 meter wide, which makes it big enough to place(accommodate) a LCD/CRT monitor and daily files. The(Its) height is adjustable from 0.7 meter to 0.9 meter. I have always been carefully using the(this) computer desk. I think you would like it once you see it. (归纳句，其实可以完全重复中心句（最好稍微改动），也可以是承上启下。)

If you are interested in it, you may come to take a look (you are welcome to come for an inspection, 建议不要重复题目句子和词汇，因为这样会不得分) before the garage sale. Saturday would be fine for me. I bought the computer desk for $150,. However you can take it for $60. I am (虽然是G类，不完整句子也会扣分)looking forward to your reply.


Yours Sincerely,
Yours，就可以了，因为是你的 朋友
Joe Johns

[ 本帖最后由 3WU 于 8-8-2010 19:26 编辑 ]

nicoleflopy

6分。
加到一楼去了。不过小作文相对好写点，大作文比较难，小作文能6.5-7帮助大作文拉一点就好了。

3WU

考官说过，其实小作文很重要。如果只是要6分。小作文尤其重要。有些考官看看小作文就知道哪个人水平到不到基本水平。 有些人太看重大作文，结果先写大作文，小作文没有写好。结果 复议 以后才过6 （那人大作文写得不错）

3WU

大作文的写作方式其实跟小作文一致。只是少点情景想象，多点想象例证，而且观点多点。 行文结构是一样的。

nicoleflopy

inspection ，我改的时候就想到有这么一个词用在这里很合适，但是想啊想也想不出来到底是谁。这个词是经常在我爱我家版看大家买房子贴里学到的，不过临时没能想起来。哈哈这下知道了，下次一定用得上了。

哈哈garage sale也是在论坛里学到的。

3WU

原帖由 nicoleflopy 于 8-8-2010 19:45 发表

                               
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inspection ，我改的时候就想到有这么一个词用在这里很合适，但是想啊想也想不出来到底是谁。这个词是经常在我爱我家版看大家买房子贴里学到的，不过临时没能想起来。哈哈这下知道了，下次一定用得上了。

哈哈gar ...

  正想说你这个词用得好

nicoleflopy

原帖由 3WU 于 8-8-2010 19:49 发表

                               
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  正想说你这个词用得好

我爱polo

我好out

我以为此帖的用意是求评分
顺搭卖家具

我还冲进来看看都卖些什么

clarkli

有点碎，缺点连接词。楼主有没有慎小毅十天突破雅思作文那本书？

我爱polo

记得雅思班上一个同学的作文当作范围来供我们学习

头一句

I am writing to express my willing of ...

感觉比简单的使用writing to see 来得舒服些

jianyachu

从来没练过大小作文，只是每天要写大量邮件给客户，不知道是什么水平。。。

nicoleflopy

原帖由 我爱polo 于 9-8-2010 11:55 发表

                               
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我好out

我以为此帖的用意是求评分
顺搭卖家具

我还冲进来看看都卖些什么

...你想买什么？我看看家里有没有，哈哈

nicoleflopy

原帖由 clarkli 于 9-8-2010 12:39 发表

                               
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有点碎，缺点连接词。楼主有没有慎小毅十天突破雅思作文那本书？

么有。。。只有剑桥系列。 和一本八分作文。比较高深，束之高阁。。。。

我爱polo

十天写作那个
我的经历很曲折

首鸭之前在网上看到这个书大热
几乎到了人手一册的地步
另一个声音说这个书用的人多
很可能反而因为大家都用而得分很低

我就一直没有买
然后口语考试的时候一个女孩子捧着她在看
我问了一句
她说这本书对她的写作影响甚大
几乎颠覆她的英语作文学习
对口语也有用处

我看到自己分数的时候就悲剧了
然后当当网上看到它售完
为表诚意特地在新华书店原价买了第四版
花掉五十多块

这几天看下来觉得很多大实话
和很多我想自己给自己整理的东西
由他整理了我觉得很实用

二鸭孩没考
没法客观 评价功效