请教高手批改作文

njack

剑6  G类TEST B中的作文题 以及 鄙人的文章如下，求高手点评以及可能的大致得分。谢谢！

WRITING TASK1
You have just moved into a new home and are planning to hold a party.
You are worried that the noise may disturb your neighbour.
Write a letter to your neighbour. In your letter
        Introduce yourself
        Describe your plans for the party
        Invite your neighbour to come

剖析,三段：
一、        Introduce
1.        name
2.        job
二、        About the party
1.        when
2.        where
3.        who
4.        how
三、        Apologize and invite

Dear neighbour,
At first, let me introduce myself to you. My name is Jack, I work as a telecommunication engineer in the CBD.I moved to the apartment which is next door to you just two weeks ago. I adore the environment of our community, and hope we will get along with each other very well.
As I just have a new home, I intend to hold a party next Saturday evening. It will start at about 6 p.m. A dozen of my friends and colleagues will come, my wife will also invite her relatives. We will have dinner and in sequence singing with my family hi-fi. The party will not end until the midnight, I suppose.
My anxiety is that the party will be very noisy and disturb you in the night. So I write to you in advance, apologize to you and hope for your understanding. Besides, it will be perfect that you can come and party with us. Looking forward to your attendance.
Yours sincerely
Jack

WRITING TASK2
Write about the following topic:
Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children.
Do you agree or disagree?

剖析,四段：
一、        总，different opinions
二、        分，positive effects
三、        分，negative effects
四、        总，own opinion, conclusion

Computer is one of the most important invention last century. Nowadays, it is widely used along with the amazing development of information technology. People use the computer for industrial manufacture, home entertainment and so on. Not only the adults use it every day, but also the adolescent. Some people consider that there are many positive effects on young children, while the others hold different opinions.
Those who feel that using computer every day benefits juvenile might argue that children will be more efficient with their homework, and some sorts of computer software can improve their study skills and enable the students get higher scores in the examination. Furthermore, they can acquire vast variety information online, which broaden the children’s vision and knowledge. And the ability of computer using is essential in the future life and career, children should begin to learn it as early as possible.
By the contrast, some people think computer has a range of negative effects. Firstly, using computer every day is a “physical health killer”. Increasing junior students have to wear short-sighted glasses, the computer overusing is a major factor. Also, the radiation of the computer is really harmful to the kids. Secondly, many young children cannot resist the game addiction, which makes them perform poorly in the study. In addition, the elder children are even exposed to violent and erotic information when they are online with the computer. All of these factors may affect the parents.
Personally, I think that using a computer every day can have more positive than negative effects. But at the same time, the adults should pay more attention to the adolescent with the using of computer, such as control the time, the content, and install some anti-harmful information software in the computer.

njack

木有人搭理，自己顶一下。

skyssmile

耐心点，论坛帮忙改作文的人还是少哈哈

alpinistzheng

楼主的第一篇小作文写的还可以。

第二篇文章跑题了。

文章的结构是这样的，大部分情况下第一段就应该说你 agree 或者not agree, 然后第二第三段分别写两个原因；或者第二段写你为什么同意或者不同意，第三段写让步，相反的情况也存在。第四段总结一下。而不是让你展开说明别人是怎么想的。文章的重点是要你描述 Do you agree or disagree?建议楼主找本作文书看看怎么样审题和安排文章结构。

[ 本帖最后由 alpinistzheng 于 30-8-2012 10:15 编辑 ]

njack

感谢指正。嗯，这是我第一次写作。写完去看范文，确实如此。发现A类和G类的要点不一样，A类是Discuss both these views,而G类是do you agree or disagree。给的范文结构也不一样。

njack

^_^ 现身啦