作文求批改，老是5.5，郁闷!

windwing00

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, sport stars, pop musicians )are paid too much money.
Do you agree or disagree?Which other job should be highly paid?   


Nowadays, entertaining market generates many famous person or stars, such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars. When they become famous, they earn much more money than other occupations, such as technology engineers, factory workers. Some people have the point of view that they are overpaid, which is unfair. But in my opinion I disagree with this view.
As we all know, it is a very long period before the entertainer burst into being famous. People find that the actors become famous just by one film which is merely one hour and a half long. However, much of these actors face strict training and prepare for a long time before they appear on the stage. They are paid not just for their appearance in the film but also be paid for their efforts and hard working behind the stage. Moreover, everyone probably knows that the working life of a film star or pop star is not as long as other jobs, for example, workers. There is only a short time for them to be celebrities or to be paid much before they are forgotten by the audiences and other people. According to me, it is fair for them to earn a relatively huge amount of money in a short time before they disappear from the stage.
When talking about who should be highly paid, I think it must be these who engaged in dangerous and of great importance to our society, for example, doctors and firefighters. These types of job require them having sense of devoting. In instance, firefighters need to place priority to other people’s safety and personal wealth regardless of his or her own. This job is very dangerous and makes huge contribution to our society. They should be encouraged and have higher social status.
In conclusion, I want to reemphasize that entertainers are not paid too much and they should not be regarded that they earn money easily than other people. And people who have a dangerous and important job should be paid more money and be respected more highly than before.

hyexhi

只看了第一段
第一句的FAMOUS 和 PERSON OR可以不要 OR 换成AND。
第二句FACTORY WORKERS 前面加个AND。
第三句HOLD THE POINT OF VIEW.不用HAVE。
第四句加个逗号。

不知对不

leeeight

person 复数还是person?
还有感觉重句这么多呢，我这个晕
再一个感觉虽然重句多，但句式变化少，词汇替换少，满篇的They太多了。试试换成其他的词看看啊

shaly

还是几年前的老话题！
你的语法没有太多大问题。
词汇量不够丰富，注意换换词
翻来覆去就说这些，没有可以说服人的support ideas

关于这篇文章，我可以给你提供几点参考：从明星的才华来谈，并不是每个人都具备这样的talents，所以他们属于稀缺资源

shaly

名人可以用celebrity，句子不要写得太长，看得累，啰嗦

Lzh12

主体段的比例分配有点问题，可能三个主体段好些，agree和disagree各一段，Which other job should be highly paid 一段，这个可以短些。

windwing00

看来还得下大功夫啊，不得其法。

pipima

去背新概念吧，里面的用词和句子都很多可以借鉴，还可以增强语感，我老公以前都是5.5，背了之后就考了6.5，我觉得和这个背新概念是有很直接的关系的

windwing00

大家看现在还是5.5吗？我感觉应该有6分吧？

windwing00

现在记性真的不行了，背的词汇写的时候老是记不起来用.