帮我也看看作文，剑桥4 G类第一篇

rommi

TASK 1
You were hurt in a minor accident inside a supermarket, and you wish to complain to the supermaket.
Write a letter to the manager of the supermarket. In your letter
•say who you are
•give details about the accident
•suggest how the supermarket could prevent similar accidents




Dear Madam or Sir,

I am writing to you to complain the my unpleasure experience and poor service in your supermacket.

I am a faithful consumer and do shopping once a week in your supermarket. But what has happened to me last weekend break the favourable impress of your market. Let me tell you the details. While I was walking along the biscuit shelves and reading the instructions of the products, the heavy boxes on the upper shelves dropped down with no prediction and hurted my head. I was badly scared at the moment and fell to the ground in confusion. What made me more angry is that there was no employee coming to help me in spite of my appeal. So I had to go to the hospital by my own and luckily there was no problem with my head.

As a manager, I think you need to pay attention to the good deposit problem and avoid to happen again. Further more, hiring some employees who is ready to help the consumer is also your responsiblity.

That's all my situation lask weekend and my advice. I am looking forward to your reply.

Your Sincerely,
XXX

大概可以几分，有什么可以改进的地方
谢谢

hxuanyu

个人觉得废话有点多

I am a faithful consumer and do shopping once a week in your supermarket
Let me tell you the details
dropped down with no prediction (难道还有 dropped down with prediction的 )

As a manager, I think you 这句话个人觉得可能有问题，你不是manager对不，就算语法上没问题了
我觉得语气也稍微有点强硬

最后不用 look forward to reply 了吧, look forward to improved service 哈

我的霍巴特

我给5.5

比我写的好。。

astrsa

还行，有些小错误，能避免的话应该有6分。
2楼的建议很好。

susan112

Dear Madam or Sir,

I am writing to you to complain the my unpleasure experience and poor service in your supermacket.
The my unpleasure experience ans poor service有点问题，就用my unpleasant experience. 最好加个时间在后面，比如last Friday.

I am a faithful consumer and do shopping once a week in your supermarket. 不用用些big word， 感觉很别扭。 I am a regular customer in the supermarket.
But what has happened to me last weekend break the favourable impress of your market. But不能用于句首。Let me tell you the details. While I was walking along the biscuit shelves and reading the instructions of the products, the heavy boxes on the upper shelves dropped down with no prediction and hurted my head.(dropped down to my head) I was badly(so) scared at the(that) moment and fell to the ground in confusion.(in confusion去掉） What made me more angry is that there was no employee coming to help me （in spite of my appeal很少有这样用）. So I had to go to the hospital by my own and luckily there was no problem with my head.（两个简单句连在一起不是一个复杂句）

As a manager, I think you need to pay attention to the good deposit problem and avoid to happen again. Further more, hiring some employees who is ready to help the consumer is also your responsiblity.（给出suggestion,不是指责manager.语气严重有问题.)

That's all my situation (what happened)lask weekend and my advice. I am looking forward to your reply.

Your Sincerely,
XXX

纯属个人意见！