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标题: 写作一直达不到6分怎么办(过了,谢谢大家) [打印本页]

作者: yypp2009 时间: 23-8-2011 22:27
标题: 写作一直达不到6分怎么办(过了,谢谢大家)
今天看到heb30的帖子说9月3日的雅思成绩出来了，我非常紧张地登陆网站查询，结果很出乎意料：听力6.5/阅读6.5/写作6.5/口语6，我简直不敢相信自己的眼睛。这个成绩对于坛子里的牛人们来说根本不值一提，可是对我这个基础差得要死，写作从没考过6分的人来说，真是天大的惊喜，终于过了，这也意味着自己不用去参加9月24日的那一场可以说是决定命运的考试，如果那一天还要坐到考场里，我估计自己也会吓得考不出什么了吧！
这里非常隆重地感谢FreeOZ的TZ们，自8月23日第一次发求助帖，好多热心的网友加入进来，大家提出各种意见建议，而且是非常详细中肯的，我和LP几乎每天都要打开帖子研究大家的回复意见。一些网友像3WU、Vzrain、Kuthlaav、YUEXMA等等还逐字、逐段地分析说明，用LP的话说“比我的VIP写作老师还上心”。还有一位叫jho的网友主动发来短信让我们加QQ，并和我们分享他的作文考试经验，真的让人非常感动。不管怎么说，这次能过，我觉得有幸运的成份，也有我自己的一点努力，不过让我感触最深的还是来自家人的支持以及陌生人的热诚。再次衷心地谢谢大家！

这一年来考了不知多少次了，其他项都上了6分，就是写作一直5分或5.5，平时练习作文都写了两个笔记本了，培训课也交了不少钱，但写作就是提高不上去，不知问题出在哪里，恳请坛子里的高手帮忙指正下，先谢谢大家了。小作文：
a.Your English teacher who taught you several years have invited you to have a meal at his house, but you can not go,1)explain the reason;2) suggest next arrangement;3)tell him about yourself and your improvement in English learning.

我的练习：
Dear Professor James:
Thank you for inviting me to have meals at your house next Friday. It was my great honor. I am sorry to tell you that I am not available on that day. Because I have an exam at my university. I am sorry for any inconvenience caused by this change.
After finishing the high school,I was accepted by XX University with the major of English. In the university, I always use the methods you taught me to practice English, which makes great contribution to my overall English ability. When it comes to this ,I should take this opportunity to thank you. In the final exam last year, I won the first prize in the Department of English. And this year I am going to study Cambridge Business English for getting a favourable position in future.
Last week, we were informed that we will have final exam on next Fiday. So important the exam is that I can not miss. But it causes you many inconvenience. Please forgive me. I am very happy to have an opportunity to have meal with you . Considering that I have exam on Friday. Is it possible to arrange on Monday, 26th July? If it is not suit your schedule, please let me know. So we can make alternative arrangement. You can contact me on XXXX. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Best regards

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 17-9-2011 00:52 编辑 ]

作者: yypp2009 时间: 23-8-2011 22:37
大作文： Some believe that air travel should be restricted because it causes serious pollution and use up the world "fuel resource",to what extent, do ou agree and disagree.

The subject of the relative of air travel and environmental problem is a frequent topic discussed by general public air trave, some believe that should be retricted as it causes severe pollution and use up all the fuel resource. In this essay, I intend to analyze this issue.
Manifest is the fact that air travel produce. Serious pollution on the world. To begin with, fossil fuel is the main resource to air travel and burning of fuel emits a great deal of Carbon dioxide , which results in the global warming. That is the reason why many endanger species are on the verge of extinction.The second pollution I want to mention is noise pollution. Well-known is that air planes produce great noise to the community in the vicinity of the airport. It is very common for people living around the airport to suffer insomnia and other mental diseases caused by noise.
On the other hand, from certain aspect, I do not agree with opinion that air travel consume all the fuel resource in the world. As the common knowledge tells me that the fuel resource is also used in other aspects ,such as households, traffics, to make the great contribution to the progress of our society. And air planes only consume one fifth of all the resource.
From what discussed above, I can safely draw a conclusion that air travel does produce severe pollution, but it does not use up all the resource. Therefore, some on essential flights can be cut down to reduce the pollution.

作者: clarkli 时间: 23-8-2011 22:38
松散的句子太多。有些句子不错，但是整段就没有了气势。

作者: yypp2009 时间: 23-8-2011 22:43
大家都说小作文比较好写，可是补习老师说我的小作文有时会拖大作文的后腿，真是这样吗？当然这不是说我的大作文写得多好，而是小作文写得更不好，真是烦死了。

作者: yypp2009 时间: 23-8-2011 22:45
To 3#的朋友，可以说得具体一点吗，，万分感谢

作者: yypp2009 时间: 23-8-2011 22:49
所谓的逻辑到底是什么，我觉得自己也经常分出一二三点来论证，怎么就经常被说成逻辑不够。。。。郁闷。

作者: ginobilis 时间: 23-8-2011 23:36
1. 一看就中国文体味太浓的议论文，比如In this essay, I intend to analyze this issue. 读了通篇总感觉遣词不太地道，有点像拼模板
2. The second pollution I want to mention is noise pollution 这种mention什么的口语化单词最好不要出现
3 语法错误还是不少

作者: yypp2009 时间: 24-8-2011 00:26
谢谢LS的，希望大家继续指出问题啊。。

作者: bobbyquennell 时间: 24-8-2011 00:51
楼主,你背了几篇范文? 我之前也是总是5.5,后来背了5篇范文,感觉不一样了,写的时候.建议你试试

作者: yypp2009 时间: 24-8-2011 01:06
To #9：背范文还真没试过，因为经常被告诫说不要套模板，不要背范文，所以也就没去试了，真的这么有效吗？看来我接下来我要加进这个训练。谢谢。

作者: yuipo78 时间: 24-8-2011 03:16
想想小学学中文就是靠背书，英文也一样，背个20篇《经济学人》之类的优秀范文，作文就至少6.5了。

作者: joakay 时间: 24-8-2011 18:34
1. 感觉用词造句整体有点口语话，不象学术类严谨的风格；
2. 字数似乎少了点；
3. 句子之间的连接逻辑性不够。

个人看法，仅供参考。

作者: loren 时间: 24-8-2011 18:50
标题: 回复 #2 yypp2009 的帖子
小作文还可以啦, 能表达清楚就行了. 但是大作文有些问题.
1. 结构太过松散, 同时套话太多了, 套用范文的痕迹太明显, 这个要尽量低调. 借鉴为主比较好

2. 文章的逻辑性不够强, 改进的话, 先多准备一些材料, 同时要合理地连用连接词.
包括小作文, 连接词的使用太少, 结果就是句子之间的逻辑关系没有体现出来.
3. 论证的方式有点偏少了, 都是讲道理, 比如增加事实论证. 甚至可以举自己的例子.

建议多读一些范文, 增加语感, 而不是简单的套用一些范文框架. 据说现在雅思的作文很忌讳这个.
然后词汇的多样性, 句式的多样性和论证方法的多样性, 都能提高作文分数的.

加油! 6分不难的

[ 本帖最后由 loren 于 24-8-2011 18:52 编辑 ]

作者: 我爱polo 时间: 24-8-2011 19:02
我写作从5.5到6
也纠结着考了四次
浪费了半年多的时间

后来版上童鞋推荐了两本书
慎小夷的那本十天写作
还有一个澳洲人写的九分作文

看范文的用意不是背
而是用来体会范文好在哪里
自己的作文差在哪里

九分那本书里
同一个topic  5分作文到9分作文
一目了然
基本能看出来为什么别人写的好我写的不好

环球雅思班虽然没有给我带来太多收获
但是有一个还是蛮有用的
就是写作的评分人喜欢看到的文章
是这一句和下一句有逻辑关系  是符合正常人的思维方式
是能猜测到的
这就是为什么有的人文章其实不错
但是读起来吃力  这一句和下一句的连接关系混乱

额
成绩不高不敢妄语

作者: mrface 时间: 24-8-2011 22:51
必须找前考官审批，并且固定就用一种模板，什么都用这个套。别来回换方式，一定要固定。

作者: clarkli 时间: 24-8-2011 23:40
LZ一定要读读这个

[摩天楼竣工]独门烤鸭菜谱，简单易操作，作文从5.5变7.5哟亲！不接受中差评的哟亲！
http://freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-968114-1-1.html

[ 本帖最后由 clarkli 于 24-8-2011 23:41 编辑 ]

作者: yypp2009 时间: 25-8-2011 12:03
谢谢大家的热情指点，太感动了。。

作者: yypp2009 时间: 25-8-2011 12:07
To#15，怎么找前考官呢？可以通过培训中心联系？

作者: clark2008 时间: 25-8-2011 12:10

原帖由 yypp2009 于 2011/8/23 11:06 PM 发表

 登录/注册后可看大图

To #9：背范文还真没试过，因为经常被告诫说不要套模板，不要背范文，所以也就没去试了，真的这么有效吗？看来我接下来我要加进这个训练。谢谢。

以我当年的悲惨经历, 如果目标仅是6分这个级别的话, 背背模板和范文中发光的句子还是非常见效&省力的.
试想, 没有大规模的输入, 拿什么进行强有力的输出呢? 呵呵

加油! 顺便再推荐一下慎小疑的《十天》, 挺好的一本书 : )

作者: sarahfox 时间: 25-8-2011 12:27
我也来学习，自己写了大约10篇的样子，没改，没请教过，正发愁下一步怎么办呢，我都没有卡时间写的，一般要花2个多小时弄一篇呢，大家也指点下啊。

4 The main purpose of public libraries is to provide books so they should not waste their limited resources on providing hi-tech media such as computer software, videos and DVDs. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

With the widespread use of computers ,hi-tech media are increasingly becoming available in many public libraries.Some people believe that the main function of public libraries should be providing books rather than hi-tech media such as computer software,videos and DVDs because of their litimed resources .To the best of my knowledge,public libraries can supplement the traditional services with high thecnological innovations.

Instead of wasting their resources ,hi-tech media has its own inherent advantages to help public libraries to utilise their equipment and facilities more effectively.Firstly,multi-media equipment can store a massive amount of information without taking up much space.For instance,one computer can hold more information than thousands of books.Secondly,all the data stored in multimedia equipment can be swiftly and conveniently searched and downloaded via a home computer which is connected to the library servers through internet.To users who are too busy to visit libreries ,it is much less time-consuming.It is also benecial to people who live in isolated areas with bad transportment.Finally, videos and DVDs can contain voice and pictures which enliven the user's experience.Especially for those who deem reading books as a dull activity,hi-tech media could be entertaining and engaging.

Although multimedia is considered as a promising substitute for traditional books in the future,the demand for paper books still exist.Some people still need to go to libraries because they could not afford a computer .Others may prefer to reading a real book rather than staring at the computer's screen which has negative impacts on people' s eyesight.Moreover,public libraries have a duty to preserve a large number of old,precious and historical books.

In conlusion ,both traditional books and hi-tech media have their own merits and they are not mutually exclusive.Public libraries can dedicate money to purchase hi-tech equipment and continue to provide traditional services.

[ 本帖最后由 sarahfox 于 25-8-2011 12:31 编辑 ]

作者: matureman 时间: 25-8-2011 14:47
这个文章得5分差不多了，大量的中文写法，用词是最大的问题，80%的词语和句法都不地道，错误也很多。另外，写作的思维深度很关键。
首先要背诵大量的文章，好的句子要能熟练到改写成任何其他内容都很轻松的程度，速度快又不会出句法错误。但词语问题就比较慢，那得有一定时间好好琢磨，而且点比较多，任何内容改变时候都能找到合适的词语就比较好。
我几年前考鸭丝的时候，写作基本没有怎么复习考到了8分，虽然实际水平可能没有那么好，但这和在国外工作一年多期间的公文写作有很大关系，经常写了老总改，反复几十篇就有感觉了，写出来的东西就很象那么回事情了。

作者: sarahfox 时间: 25-8-2011 14:57
楼上的随便8分。。。。偶的目标是6分，哎，

人和人的差距啊，还是和楼主握握手吧。。。

作者: 3WU 时间: 25-8-2011 22:29
咱这里不说 7 分 8分作文，就来讨论如何争取从 5/ 5.5  提高到 6

很多考生一直徘徊在 5/5.5  之间是有致命性写作问题的。而且这个问题并不是有多难逾越，又或者需要多高深的语法知识，多复杂的词汇修饰。对于6分作文来说，以上说的都只是锦上添花。说了很多很多次了（请参看 “新格咪咪” 相关求助贴）  一篇文章就好比一条鱼。鱼首先要有规整的鱼骨架，才能考虑如何润色鱼身，无论鱼身肉质如何，颜色如何，只要鱼骨架搭建得好，再瘦再丑的鱼鱼才能认定为鱼。而且不同的鱼种，各有其不同的骨架。骨架搭建得当，外表再奇怪的鱼，也不妨碍观赏者认识鱼的种类。

LZ  的最大问题，并不是遣词造句（虽然不地道，但不太影响 6 分作文的信息输出）。语法欠层次，但也不是致命问题。你的问题跟N多同分数考生类似：基本议论文结构不掌握。

你的小作文，问题不算大。稍微注意一下分段，和符号便可。感觉你花在小作文时间要比大作文按比例来说，花了更多心思，更多时间？

你的大作文，根本不能算是合格的议论文。 5分差不多了。

1. 开头重复使用题目关键词。不得分。
2。第一段没有扣题 "to what extent, do ou agree and disagree“  题目根本没要你分析。你  analyze this issue 都分析个啥？
3。没有中心局。第二段头两句你是用错标点符号了吗？反正是全段没有一个中心局。而且跟 TZ ”新格咪咪“刚开始的问题类似，  段内多分点。。等于没点。
4。 fuel resource  使用 N 次，单词不得分。
5。句子不完整，没有适当使用连词（这可是 6分基本标准呀）： And air planes only consume one fifth of all the resource.
这句话显然就是没说完，你至少用个 So ， therefore..之类的提出观点来支撑你的论据吧。
6。你很明显是在套用句式，但又不灵活运用： Therefore, some on essential flights can be cut down to reduce the pollution.  这个题目可没有要你提出个人方案。

总结一下：回去好好看看议论文基本格式。5/5.5  跳到 6  并非难事。但走到死胡同，不懂得回头走，只能原地踏步，不得前进。

[ 本帖最后由 3WU 于 25-8-2011 22:36 编辑 ]

作者: yypp2009 时间: 27-8-2011 01:25
谢谢3WU以及众人，好像我还没有加分权？分分先欠着。。。
今天又一次郁闷发生，8月13日的G类成绩出来，6.5 / 6 / 5.5 / 6.5，还是作文分不够，之前老觉得是不是雅思中心卡分，现在看来真的是自己实力不够，迷惘中，已经不知从何下手了，现在狂背范文中。。本人接下来已连报九月两场，没办法，时间不多了，请大家狠狠批一下我的练习吧，谢谢先。。。

大作文：Some people think stricter punishment for driving offenders is the only effective way to improve safety on the roads. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

我的练习：
Road sercurity has increasingly become a frequent discussed topic in both social and political areas. Measures are urgently required and some extremists claim that to regulate more rigorous penalties is the only way. But as far as I am concerned, the rigorous penalty is indeed a good cause, but not the only way.
So enormously has the traffic system benefited from more rigorous penalty, that I firmly believe it is a blessing rather than a curse. To begin with, rigorous penalty has a detering impact on would-be violators,making them recousider that if it is worth to break the traffic laws. For example, a driver who was speaking on the phone while driving on the road, was caught and charged $1000 and punished 2 months community service. I am sure he will never talk on free later. Therefore, it goes without saying that rigorous penalty, on certeain aspects, can effectively improve the road security.
Although this, there are many other measures can be adopted to improve the security level of roads.First of all , the impact of education makes me believe that it is cure-all solution.Therefore, it is essential to educate pedestrians and drivers to obey traffic laws and regulations to improve road safety at base of minimum government budget. Well-known is that improving the efficiency of police force is an another way to secure road safety, which is very neccessary to some drivers and pedestrians to do not realize the dangers of their behaviors.Finally, Increasing number of people believe that it is neccessary for governments to invest more money in road construction.
In conclusion, stricter punishment can be effectively improve road security, but it is not the only way. Other measures such as giving education to pedestrians and drivers, improving the police efficiency and invest more money in road construction, are effective steps to make contribution to road safety.

作者: yypp2009 时间: 27-8-2011 01:40
题：Some think the subject of music is not necessary in primary school, and other practical subjects like secience should replace it, what is your opinion?

答：Music has been adopted as a subject of primary school, and this has sparked heated discussion in general public. Some believed that other practical subjects such as science should replace music, In my opinion, I do not agree this.
Manifest is that music as primary school subject has numerous benefits. To begin with, music can enrich primary school students leisure time, also helping students to creat their interest in study. Moreover , primary school students are too young to understand the science. Therefore, teaching them science which is much more complicated than music waste teaching resources. So it is not neccesary to replace music by science. Finally, the mental condition of primary school students tend to be fragile, compared withies forces adults. If school authorities force them to study the science, as a result, they may give up learning.
However, some so-called educational experts always use inadequate evidence to support
their opinion that students will benefit from their science study when they grow up. It would be quite easier for them to look for the job. But the information I collected tell me that it is impossible for them to remember the knowledge they have learn in primary school. So the so-called experts overlook the benefits of studying science in primary school.
From what have been discussed aboved, we can draw a conclusion that it is not necessary to replace music with science.

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 27-8-2011 01:44 编辑 ]

作者: 3WU 时间: 27-8-2011 15:44
请问LZ  你能看懂自己在写什么吗？何不翻译成中文自己看看，你是在写议论文吗？不要觉得我说的很冒犯，但写作就得这么练习，你自己都不愿意再多看几眼的文章，你觉得考官会愿意看么？

你的单词确实很匮乏，而且还常常把很核心的中心词用错还不止，还要每段，每句都要用一次。第一篇题目根本就不是谈 Road sercurity。  rigorous penalty  也是错误的用法，rigorous  不是这么用的，不要看那些不规范的中译英词典。断章取义的翻译经常是不准确的。你数数，你把这个错误的用法用了多少回？不是要打消你使用好单词的积极性，可是通常最安全的办法是，尽管要表达同样的东西，你可以每次用不同的方式/单词去表达。这不但是体现单词掌握程度，还保证你不会错误用法连连错。  6分作文单词不一定要多高深复杂，但求准确适用单词。语法简单不打紧，但求不影响信息输出即可。重要的是，不要用错。

两篇的  第二段，中心都太模棱两可。。究竟什么交通系统的大好处，又或者音乐有什么好处请陈述清楚。凡是一竿子说，什么好，什么坏这种句子，等于什么都没说。说什么好，总得实在地具体地说什么好，比如是交通事故发生的可能性降低，又或者说音乐更适合幼年儿童学习掌握。

另外你的逻辑好像很有问题。观点正不正确不打紧，但必须要顺理成章。请自行翻译 24 楼第三段。你都怎么把句子逻辑连起来的？我说的是中文翻译版哦。

最后那篇，第二段 finally 后面的完全可以属于另外一个观点，请重新开一段评论。
这一篇字数不够吧。第二段太拥挤，没有拓展开。

作者: hadesatan 时间: 28-8-2011 14:23
楼主，昨天就想回复你的，感觉你写的很凌乱……
比起辞藻语法的华丽，逻辑的严谨和有条理更关键。
我8/13的作文考试，句式、词汇都很简单，Not only..but also被我用了N遍，很复杂的从句也很少，单词也记得不多，都是很基础的单词。更没有背什么模板（看了也记不住）。结果是6（当然和高人相比这个成绩很一般啦，呵呵）而且感觉那些考官一看就知道那些是背模板的。除非你整篇都保持和背出来的句式一样高的水准。否则某几句很高水准，其他句子语法很烂，这样感觉更不好。
感觉老外更讲究逻辑，不像中文讲究各类修辞手法、华丽的词藻，含蓄的表达。而老外的议论文感觉都是开门见山一针见血，条理清晰、逻辑严谨。
8/13那天的大作文，题目是谈谈Team Sport比一个人玩游戏教会孩子更多东西。然后有些提示。
我就写的很简单，第一段就写自己的观点（基本把题目照抄一遍）。第二段写原因，最重要的原因是团体活动能够教会人们“沟通”能力。然后用点屁话说明一下沟通能力如何重要，Team Sport中如何能够教会孩子沟通能力，个人玩游戏是如何不能进行沟通。
第二段写，Team Sport能够教会人们“合作”能力，继续屁话展开一下。
第三段一般是比较次要的论点，稍微提及一下其他的，比如Team Sport教会孩子如何表达对他人的爱，如何照顾他人。
最后总结就是提倡学校、老师多鼓励学生参与到Team Sport，不仅为了他们身体健康，更是为了他们心里健康和美好未来。

当然我写的文章很烂啦，感觉这次能到6的原因，一个是运气不错，题目比较大众化，有话可写，还有一个就是我没有华丽的辞藻和语法，但是语法、拼写基本正确，关键是逻辑条理清楚（个人感觉，请大家手下留情，呵呵）。

前面扫了楼主的大作文，一个我没有看太明白，语法比较复杂，感觉有模板的痕迹。还有感觉楼主写的比较含蓄。第一段楼主就说要讨论这个ISSUE，但是没有亮出自己的观点。然后楼主论证了AIR TRAVEL产生的问题和带来的好处，但还是没有看到楼主的立场和观点。最后的总结也是模棱两可。考官还是不知道你到底站在哪一方。可题目是想问你to what extent, do ou agree and disagree，就是题目希望知道你的立场和观点，并为自己的观点辩护、论证。

如果是我的话，我会一开始写自己不同意这种说法，然后给2~3个原因，每段展开一下。最后说一下当然可能会带来一些污染什么的，但是可以通过种种方法改善、解决。

无论是中文写作还是英语写作，既然是议论文，那么要先理清楚自己的思路、观点，逻辑，如何论证。然后再考虑语法、辞藻、各类比喻、修辞。有些语法如果没有把握还是不要用，就朴实一点，否则容易弄巧成拙。

个人观点，仅供参考。虽然我写作也不是很好，能够有6分运气成分不少。但是希望能够对楼主今后的写作提高有所帮助。

作者: 新格咪咪 时间: 28-8-2011 15:31
没错，鄙人就是 3WU大神提到的那个新格咪咪 ~ 楼主不要想太多了作文的练习数量不要过多，但是每篇都要好好的写~

http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-919298-1-1.html 有我最直白的语言如果拿6

祝您一切顺利~ 圣光与你同在

作者: hadesatan 时间: 28-8-2011 15:34

原帖由 3WU 于 25-8-2011 22:29 发表

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咱这里不说 7 分 8分作文，就来讨论如何争取从 5/ 5.5 提高到 6

很多考生一直徘徊在 5/5.5 之间是有致命性写作问题的。而且这个问题并不是有多难逾越，又或者需要多高深的语法知识，多复杂的词汇修饰。对于 ...

嗯，很赞同这位高手的意见。比喻也很恰当，写作先要有骨架，然后再填肉，骨架都混乱了，就算再好再多的肉填进去，搭出来的也不过是个怪物。就像我领导经常说的，当在工作中遇到困惑迷茫的时候，先停下来回顾一下这个事情的原因、背景、目的是什么，抓住主旨然后再看看自己做的事情是否偏离了初衷。写作的话，也是如此，最关键的就要看清楚题目，题目到底有些什么要求，审题很重要。然后想文章结构、框架。议论文么都是有套路的，套路对了，逻辑好了，哪怕语法词汇比较简单，只要别有大错，6分应该不难。然后进阶篇就是如何修饰的问题了，这个么就要有一定的积累了（输入物）。呵呵……胡乱感慨一下……
（PS,偶是Hadesatan's副申,前面一篇也是我写的）

作者: yypp2009 时间: 29-8-2011 02:38
谢谢大家这么中肯又诚恳的建议。
To 3WU，感觉你的意见很切中要害，这几天，我反复在看你的评论以及你在本版其他作文上的评论，发现自己的作文问题很多。关于用词遣句方面，本意的确是想在文章中能有加分字句，可是水平还不到，所以接下来会多注意。还有逻辑混乱是很多人看我练习时都指出的，可是不知是不是根深蒂固的原因，有时我总觉得自己还是有讲出要点，比如你指出翻译24楼的第三段，翻成后我一直在想自己不是也在进行论证吗？是论证不到位还是衔接不行？能帮忙具体指出吗？
Although this, there are many other measures can be adopted to improve the security level of roads.First of all , the impact of education makes me believe that it is cure-all solution.Therefore, it is essential to educate pedestrians and drivers to obey traffic laws and regulations to improve road safety at base of minimum government budget. Well-known is that improving the efficiency of police force is an another way to secure road safety, which is very neccessary to some drivers and pedestrians to do not realize the dangers of their behaviors.Finally, Increasing number of people believe that it is neccessary for governments to invest more money in road construction.
尽管如此，也有一些其他的方法可提高道路安全水平。首先，我觉得教育可以是一种万能的方法。因此，在政府最低预算的基础上对行人和司机实施交规教育是很有必要的。众所周知的提高警察的工作效率是另一种保障道路安全的方法，很有必要让司机和行人意识到他们的危险行为。最后，越来越多的人认为政府很有必要投资道路建设。

作者: yypp2009 时间: 29-8-2011 02:58
To 27楼hadesatan，谢谢你的意见，8月13日作文考团队运动的好处，我记得写了三点：1、培养合作精神；2、培养输赢观念；3、增强沟通能力。本来我也以为自己这次可能会写得好一些，结果还是没过，现在想下，可能有几个原因：第二点培养输羸观念的观点有些离题；每个论点没有具体展开。因为我看到你说“Team Sport中如何能够教会孩子沟通能力，个人玩游戏是如何不能进行沟通。”我在论证的时候就没有谈到个人运动，只一味说团队如何如何好，可能就没有说服力了。。

作者: yypp2009 时间: 29-8-2011 03:07
还有28楼新格咪咪，感谢你的鼓励，我翻看了你之前的作文练习，觉得你的语句直白，用的词汇也不算难，可是表达比较清晰，可能这就是雅思写作要求的。反而是我可能受了一些写作书和上培训班的影响，没有真正学会用模板，用得不伦不类，希望大家继续批评指正

作者: yypp2009 时间: 29-8-2011 03:17
还有一个问题请教大家，写小作文书信的时候，在交代完背景一般会出现三个提示要点，如写一封信和旧同事告别，交代（1）为什么你要回国；（2）和大家共事时有哪些乐趣；（3）什么时候，如何再见面
这三个要点必须按先后顺序展开吗？还是只要在文中能展现这三个要素就可以了？

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 29-8-2011 03:21 编辑 ]

作者: yypp2009 时间: 29-8-2011 03:22
本来我觉得一定是按顺序写下来，不过写作老师说有时是要调换的，是这样的吗

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 14-9-2011 10:38 编辑 ]

作者: yypp2009 时间: 29-8-2011 12:34
标题: 请大家帮忙再指点一下这篇2楼作文的修改版，谢谢！
题： Some believe that air travel should be restricted because it causes serious pollution and use up the world "fuel resource",to what extent, do ou agree and disagree.

Air travel is much more affordable to general public and it causes some pollutions and consumes the world "fuel resource" .Some believe, therefoe, air travel should be restricted. As far as I concerned, I hold that air travel should not be limited.
Admittedly, air travel produces air and noise pollution on the world. Petrol is main source to airplane and burning of petrol emits a great deal of carbon dioxide which greatly contributes to global warming. Also airplanes make great noise to local community. That is the reason why airports are built faraway from the residential area.
But it doesn't mean that air trip should be limited.As we all know, burning coal also makes severe air pollution,but it is still be widely used on the world as one of the most common energy resource.So does the "fuel resource".
Furthermore,There are many measures have been taken to reduce the pollution caused by airplane, such as replacing airplanes' engines and installing noise absorber.Hence,the pollution has alreday been cut down on large scale. What is more, airplanes emit corban dioxide hundreds feet above floor makes less impact than cars.
It is absurd for some to agrue that air trip should be limited on the ground that it may uses up all the energy. According to survey, airplanes only consume 10% resource amongst all the energy in the world. So it is impossible to use out all the resource.
In conclusion, it its ridiculous for some extremists to calm that airplanes use up all the resource. Although air trips cause some noise and air pollution, they should not be limited.
请3WU及其他TZ帮忙看下这个结构可以吗，第二段是不是有点没有切入正题？？

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 29-8-2011 12:56 编辑 ]

作者: hadesatan 时间: 29-8-2011 15:20

原帖由 yypp2009 于 29-8-2011 12:34 发表

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题： Some believe that air travel should be restricted because it causes serious pollution and use up the world "fuel resource",to what extent, do ou agree and disagree.

Air travel is much more aff ...

第一段比以前好了，提出了自己的观点，后面看了感觉在反驳题目给出的2个反对的原因。但总觉得好像少了点什么东西。

如果是我的话，可能会这么写：
第1段写自己的观点，就是认为不应该被restricted。
第2段写原因之一：air travel并不会像大家认为的那样，会产生这么多污染，会使用这么多能源。然后举些例子（你文章中10%的例子，等等）
第3段写原因之二：即便没有air travel这些污染还是会有，限制air travel并不是解决污染问题、全球变暖问题的最好手段。关键是要增强人们的环保意识，不能因噎废食。
第4段写原因之三：air travel的无可替代的好处，人们无法或缺这项交通手段。如果仅仅因为环保就取消、限制，那是非常可惜和不值的。
最后总结一下，强调自己的观点，再建议通过改善引擎等方式降低、减少该交通手段的弊端。

可能你文章中少了AIR TRAVEL有什么好处，不可替代的地方，感觉议论的比较弱。只是见招拆招的感觉。第二段花很多篇幅写了一大堆它的负面影响，感觉字数超过了你第三段的反驳，使得反驳不够强烈。负面影响一两句话带过，然后重点放在你的反驳和议论上！字数比例不够的话，议论怎么可能有效展开？

作者: hadesatan 时间: 29-8-2011 15:33

原帖由 yypp2009 于 29-8-2011 02:58 发表

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To 27楼hadesatan，谢谢你的意见，8月13日作文考团队运动的好处，我记得写了三点：1、培养合作精神；2、培养输赢观念；3、增强沟通能力。本来我也以为自己这次可能会写得好一些，结果还是没过，现在想下，可能有几个 ...

嗯，沟通是我第一原因，展开的比较多，我说了人是社会动物，离不开和他人的交流沟通。团队运动可以让孩子学会如何表达自己，如何让他人理解自己。然后写一个人玩游戏不能锻炼这个能力，即便可以连网进行简单交流，但是也不是面对面的沟通交流。

你提及的培养输赢观念感觉有点偏，因为一个人玩游戏也能培养输赢观念。游戏不都是有结果，有输赢的嘛……

作者: Xavy 时间: 29-8-2011 16:27
雅思书我还有很多《十天》口语和写作都有，广州的同学我可以免费送，有时间提前联系我然后到市桥地铁站等（不用出地铁站）

作者: 3WU 时间: 30-8-2011 00:16
标题: 回复 #30 yypp2009 的帖子
希望通过重点点评你一小段，能够起到抛砖引玉的作用。

就看你的翻译版的逻辑。

1）第一段没有起到中心句的作用，因为它跟其他句子关系不甚大。你原文第一句说的是 many other  翻译应该是 “很多其他”。可是你第二句，便说教育是万能的。显然第一二句不但关系不甚大，而且有自打嘴巴的感觉。你何不直接把第二句拿来做中心句？这样中心句也不空泛了。不然 many other  具体指什么呢？如果你列举出来那也成呀。

2）第二和第三句能构成  因果关系吗？第二句原文是 the impact of education  翻译应该是，教育的影响让你相信它的万能。  在不知道究竟什么impact  的情况下，你就断定一定要教育群众。而且无端端还提到政府开支预算。中间的关系又是什么？你压根没提，这不让人觉得七零八落吗？

3）众所周知不是这么说的，而是 It is well-konwn that... 另外，你翻译的时候，难道没发现连中文的语法都是错的吗？

4）第三地四，又是不相干的两个“观点”。请注意，他们只能认为是观点，并不是例证，也不是论述。也就是说，你这个段落列举了 3个分观点，但没有任何一个被论证。由于你只提观点，每个观点之间没有任何因果关系，句子结构自然松散。其实你每一个观点，都能独立分出来作为一个段落讨论。

比如：
第一个中心句就拿 the impact of education  说事。第二句马上就阐述，指出哪些impact.（扩展中心句）。第三句，第四句给出例子，说明真有那么些impact  （例证）。最后一句归纳（换个花样认可 education  是很有效的手段，以达到辩论的作用）

作者: xiaojia 时间: 30-8-2011 00:53
过来学习一下。

作者: 3WU 时间: 30-8-2011 01:09
标题: 回复 #35 yypp2009 的帖子
第二段不是不切题，而是结构松散。没有呈上启下的效果。在你原意的基础稍微，稍稍挪动了一下：

原文：Admittedly, air travel produces air and noise pollution on the world. Petrol is main source to airplane and burning of petrol emits a great deal of carbon dioxide which greatly contributes to global warming. Also airplanes make great noise to local community. That is the reason why airports are built faraway from the residential area.

挪动版（不考虑语法，词汇的使用）
Admittedly, air travel produces serious pollutions that affect the health of public. Pollutions such as poor air quality and high disruptive noise can be generated due to the usage of airplanes(解释首句，拓展观点). Petrol is one of the main fuels of airplane. However, burning this (简单而实用的连接词) kind of fossil fules could increas the emission of carbon dioxide and therefore greatly affect the global warming. On the other hand (段内转折), air vehicles can result in (与 produce 同义) excessive (great 的同义) noise up to XX dB. It has been reported that (瞎编) explosing to noise level of CCdB for longer than 1hour per day could lead to (与 result in 同义) many diseases,such as TATATATA. Therefore, in general, air travel is a harmful form of traveling.

[ 本帖最后由 3WU 于 30-8-2011 10:15 编辑 ]

作者: yypp2009 时间: 13-9-2011 17:23
标题: 剩下最一次机会求大家帮忙批改作文
some children seem to not have the natural ability to study language so schools should not force childen to learn foreign language. do you agree or disagree?

I do not agree that school should not force school children to study foreign language if they do not have language abilities

our educational system bases on that everyone can be taught to be a talent in every aspect. That is why students are required to study a range of courses, even they do not have a talent in a particular course. when it comes to studying foreign language ,the purpose of it is not help children to develop their talent . Instead , it helps young children to better understand this world and master a wy of communication with foreign visitors,thereby helping  them to get a favorable position ,when they grow up.this is particularly essential for young students living in modern society.

In addition, schools' practice shall not be equally with forcing students to learn any subject. After all,all the subjects are set by professers and experts through a lot of research.The courses have been tested that can efficiently cultivate students' comprehensive  abilities rather than to satisfy individuals ' interest. It is quite impossible for experts to set any course according to each students favor or perferrence since neither children nor parents have got the clear idea of what should be learned.

In conclusion,  children should obey the school arrangement to study foreign language ,even they do not have language ability.

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 13-9-2011 23:26 编辑 ]

作者: 2027342883 时间: 13-9-2011 22:06
标题: 我的几点建议
我觉得有几个问题，你可能需要注意：
1. 单词使用不平衡。有些单词过大且不合适，如前面的几位高人所说；但是另一方面，过于口语化的单词又经常出现，如quite，have got等。事实上，对于6分的作文，基本难度的单词已经可以足够应付，对于自己不是很把握的大词，倒不如用一些常用的词，但切忌使用口语用词。大词和口语用词共同出现在文章中，只会让人觉得你对英语词汇的驾驭能力非常弱；
2.英语文章讲究层次和逻辑性。例如，要用两个观点证明一件事好，那么必须明确表明出是哪两个观点；第二，怎么好，而不是拼命的说很好、有优点，而是到底好在哪。说到逻辑性，你这篇文章逻辑有很大问题，第一个论点里，你前面说的“学校教育的根基”与后面的“外语学习的目的”没有什么内在和必然的联系；同样的问题也出现在第二个论点里。
3.句子的思维方式过于中文化。好多句子明显是生硬的翻译了你头脑中出现的中文句子。“shall not be equally(?) with”大概就是来自于“···不等于···”这样的中文句型，不建议使用。另外注意一些基本语法，不需要过多使用你不确定的复杂句（如果你的要求只是6分，建议使用相对简单的句子结合一些非常有效的连词和副词）。
仅供参考！

作者: yypp2009 时间: 13-9-2011 22:55
标题: 回复 #43 2027342883 的帖子
感谢楼上的点评,但是对于教育的根基这一部分我是用他来说明即使没有天分，小孩也可以学到东西

[ 本帖最后由 yypp2009 于 13-9-2011 23:05 编辑 ]

作者: yypp2009 时间: 13-9-2011 23:25
不过我有些论证的确没有展开,就是不知道怎么说清楚这个道理..

作者: yypp2009 时间: 13-9-2011 23:30
感谢大家，包括之前3WU很多次的点评，没能一一道谢。。九月底要把雅思考出来，，情况很危急。。我会继续贴，，希望大家帮忙，，只要指出问题即可。。

作者: yypp2009 时间: 13-9-2011 23:47
标题: 9月3号小作文回忆
You plan to study in English-speaking country, you have a friend in this country, write to your friends to ask for help.
1) Your Study Plan;
2) Explain why you look for part time job.
3) Make some suggestions to find the job.

Dear Jack：
How is everything going in Australia？We don’t keep in touch for long time. I am writing this letter to ask for your help, as I am going to study a master degree in Australia..

I have applied 2 year maser IT degree in UTS. As my IELTS score below academic requirement, I have to take language course in Holmes. It takes about 3 months. I want to choose the course in daytime and finish in 2 years, because my parents have limited finance to support my study. To make matter worse, my parents want to send my brother to Australia after a year. As a bigger brother, I want to ease my parents’ financial burden. Therefore, I need to take a part time job.

I heard that you are working in a restaurant. If it is possible, could you please introduce me to your boss? I do not mind work in kitchen or canteen. Or do you have any friends or colleagues working in other places and their employers are looking for staff. So you can introduce me to them; or you can post my resume to the job seeking website.

Thank you in advance.

Best regards

作者: yypp2009 时间: 13-9-2011 23:51
标题: 9月3号大作文回忆
Nowadays many parents buy a lot of toys to their children to play, what is the advantage and disadvantage of children playing with toys?

It exists a common phenomenon that nowadays parents buy a host of toys for their kids to play. I firmly believe that children play with toys have more advantage than disadvantage.

There is no denying that kids playing with toys have numerous benefits. To begin with, toys are children’s companions to kill their boring time. Nowadays, many families only have a child; as a result, children born in such families have no brothers and sisters and parents are too busy to spend time with their children. Therefore, it is toys that can kill their leisure time. Moreover, toys can help children to cultivate a sense of loving, which is very essential to their careers. This is mainly due to the fact that children have to look after their own toys. When they grow up, they may have loving hearts makes it possible to successful; as the old saying goes: good people have a good ending. Finally, children playing with a number of toys helps their intellectual development. It is quite important to their academic study. Well-known is the fact that children have vivid memory and more curiosity. And toys have various sorts of designs. Therefore, they can fulfill their imagination. This is very good to their academic development.

However, there are certain dangers for children playing with the number of toys. They may argue that spending time with toys occupy children’s valuable studying time, as a result, they have not enough time spending on their studies or other aspects, such as communicating with peers. But I think this problem only occasionally happen in some irresponsible families. Generally children benefit numerously from playing with toys.

In conclusion, regarding this issue, my view is that children benefit a lot from toys. Therefore, parents should be buy more toys for their children.

作者: yypp2009 时间: 13-9-2011 23:53
9月3日考的一场，回来凭大概记忆写了一遍，大家帮我看下有希望到六分吗？

作者: yypp2009 时间: 14-9-2011 00:06
或者指出文章的一些明显扣分点吧。。谢谢啦。。

作者: jamesxiao72 时间: 14-9-2011 00:31
Admittedly
Furthermore
In conclusion

个人看法. 这些词用烂了, 考官看着会有点反感, 用随便一点的句子代替, 连词用在复杂句中就行了, 没必要每个段落固定这样开局, 有点死板.

作者: 西澳海豚 时间: 14-9-2011 01:36

原帖由 yypp2009 于 13-9-2011 23:51 发表

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Nowadays many parents buy a lot of toys to their children to play, what is the advantage and disadvantage of children playing with toys?

It exists a common phenomenon that nowadays parents buy a ho ...

5.5??

作者: 3WU 时间: 14-9-2011 22:37
只看了小作文和大作文第一段。就知道这回5分上下。
小作文，几乎看不到一句是没有语法错误的。
大作文，第一段就问非所答。

作者: yypp2009 时间: 15-9-2011 05:29

原帖由 3WU 于 14-9-2011 22:37 发表

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只看了小作文和大作文第一段。就知道这回5分上下。
小作文，几乎看不到一句是没有语法错误的。
大作文，第一段就问非所答。

嗯,3WU有没有一些关于短期提高语法的建议或方法?现在真是火烧眉毛了。。。

作者: v2rain 时间: 15-9-2011 05:45
Dear Jack：
How is everything going in Australia？We don’t（最好不要用缩写） keep in touch （keep in touch是说多联系吧，这里你是想说很久没联系了吧？说成“我们很久没有多联系了”会不会很奇怪？）for long time. I am writing this letter to ask for your help, as I am going to study a master degree in Australia..

I have applied 2 year maser IT degree in UTS. （apply是一个瞬间动词，用过去式就可以了，如果要表示状态要用被动）As my IELTS score is （缺从句谓语）below academic requirement, I have to take language course in Holmes. It takes about 3 months. I want to choose the course in daytime and finish in 2 years, because my parents have limited finance to support my study. To make matter worse（直接翻译是“为了让情况更差，我爸妈怎么了怎么了”还是奇怪。是否可以用what makes it worse is that....), my parents want to send my brother to Australia after a year. As a bigger brother, I want （want重复了，表示意愿可以说would like，表示打算可以说intend（上一句）; ease的主语应该是能够减轻负担的东西，不是你，所以……I would like to do something that can ease...）to ease my parents’ financial burden. Therefore, I need to take a part time job.

I heard that you are working in a restaurant. If it is possible, could you please introduce me to your boss? I do not mind work in kitchen or canteen. Or do you have any friends or colleagues working in other places and their employers are looking for staff. （问号）So 这里为何要so？去掉you can 话说你在求人家……可否用it would be very appriciated if you can.....introduce me to them; or you can post my resume to (on) the job seeking website.

Thank you in advance.

Best regards

作者: v2rain 时间: 15-9-2011 05:58
楼主我觉得还是基本功吧。。基本功扎实了6分就没问题了。。。。

作者: 3WU 时间: 15-9-2011 14:59

原帖由 yypp2009 于 15-9-2011 05:29 发表

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嗯,3WU有没有一些关于短期提高语法的建议或方法?现在真是火烧眉毛了。。。

语法是基本功，所以积累很重要。但要快速提高，至少提高到一个少写错句的程度，也是有一定速成的办法的。但过程会很痛苦。。。

1。到网上找一些有既有题目，又有范文（或者语法比较正确的考生答案）的练习。不看答案，自己按时间先写一遍。。
2。把自己文章不限时间，认真修改。
3。看范文/别人答案，第一：分析结构。第二分析观点。第三，也是最痛苦的部分：分析每一个句子的语法，用不同的颜色，划分出主语，谓语，宾语，固定连词组合，从句格式，标点符号。一句一句地分析，开始很痛苦，很慢。。可是你会进步的，而且进步很快。因为你在分析过程中会发现很多用法，或者固定连词，时态等，跟你原来想法不一致，这种知识的冲突，第一，让你履步艰难，第二，一旦把这种冲突积累到一定程度（3篇左右优秀范文），你便知道自己的语法缺陷，并能自己给自己修改。
4。把自己文章再次修改。
5。找人修改，最好是 English speaker.
6. 审查别人的修改。。分析自己的错误，总结问题，形成再一次思潮冲突。
7。带着自己的收获，重新写文章（可以是原来的题目）。。。
8。。回到第一步。。直到雅斯达到要求。

作者: kuthlaav 时间: 15-9-2011 23:21

原帖由 yypp2009 于 23-8-2011 22:27 发表

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这一年来考了不知多少次了，其他项都上了6分，就是写作一直5分或5.5，平时练习作文都写了两个笔记本了，培训课也交了不少钱，但写作就是提高不上去，不知问题出在哪里，恳请坛子里的高手帮忙指正下，先谢谢大家了。
...

个人意见，本人雅思盲，看了笑笑就好。我作业也很差，只能找出一部分问题。

小作文：
a.Your English teacher who taught you several years have invited you to have a meal at his house, but you can not go,1)explain the reason;2) suggest next arrangement;3)tell him about yourself and your improvement in English learning.

我的练习：
Dear Professor James:
Thank you for inviting me to have meals at your house next Friday. It was my great honor. I am sorry to tell you that I am not available on that day. Because I have an exam at my university. I am sorry for any inconvenience caused by this change.
题目是have a meal，你写的have meals，你真馋，吃一顿还不够。
it was my great honor，时态可能有问题吧，考虑is。
i regret to inform you that i will not be available that day, for it clashes with my exam.
cause by this change可以考虑省略。
可以考虑写成，我个人理解的啊
thank you for your invitation, it is my honor. but i regret to inform you that i am supposed to have an exam next friday, so i am afraid i will not be able to call on you.

After finishing the high school,I was accepted by XX University with the major of English. In the university, I always use the methods you taught me to practice English, which makes great contribution to my overall English ability. When it comes to this ,I should take this opportunity to thank you. In the final exam last year, I won the first prize in the Department of English. And this year I am going to study Cambridge Business English for getting a favourable position in future.
high school前面不用加the。 accepted考虑admitted。in the university可以省略。 i always study english the way you taught me。 for getting这个getting可以省略。

Last week, we were informed that we will have final exam on next Fiday. So important the exam is that I can not miss. But it causes you many inconvenience. Please forgive me. I am very happy to have an opportunity to have meal with you . Considering that I have exam on Friday. Is it possible to arrange on Monday, 26th July? If it is not suit your schedule, please let me know. So we can make alternative arrangement. You can contact me on XXXX. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
时态问题 we were informed that we would……
so开始的句子需要倒装，so important is the exam that i can not miss it.
if it is not suitable for you, suit是动词，不用在am/is/are后面使用。

Best regards

作者: sarahfox 时间: 19-9-2011 14:02

恭喜楼主过了啊。。。。。。。

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