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标题: 作文求拍高手多批评啊（已修改）（尤其是 3wu 等人） [打印本页]

作者: 新格咪咪 时间: 8-9-2010 00:59
标题: 作文求拍高手多批评啊（已修改）（尤其是 3wu 等人）
Some people say that students should work or travel a period of time before they go to the university. To what extent do agree or disagree?

In contemporary society, more and more students choose a gap year to find job or go travelling before they go to university. Some people blame that gap year may has negative effects to students. However, I cannot agree with their thought. On the contrary, I believe that gap year can help students to learn a lot of things, which they cannot  learn from university.

The advantages of gap year is obviously. In the first place, students can clearly know what they want to study in university through their own experiences in gap year. This is much better than they study without any target. In the second place, students will learn their major lesson more quickly if they have working experience in such factory. The knowledge in the book is just theory, which should combined with practical ability. For instance, if a student work for a car manufactory, he will get a good score in engine design. Finally, gap year will make youths more independent and mature. Gap year can let students know the society is so competitive that they should never treated themselves as children and no one will help you in such stressful circumstance. Therefor, who can deny the benefits of gap year ?

Admittedly, gap year is not suitable for all students. Some person worry about that students cannot resistant the bad influence because of their curiosity. However, it is not realistic that we do not support gap year according to these small drawbacks. If the students can be well guided by their parents and peers, I believe gap year will play a key role in students' education.

In conclusion, although some students may lost themselves because of gap year, I still believe that most students can get benefits from gap year. When students go back to university, they will find themselves totally different from they used to be. Yes, more confident and mature.

话题相对简单但是我还有有几个问题
首先我的字数还是有问题我刻意控制了还是写了340+ 而且我是在考卷纸上直接练习的花了30分钟不到就写完了
其次在我打字上网的时候我做了点修改考场里面的话我肯定不可能那么大的改动了。。这个我很担心
希望各位猛拍～  不求最猛但求更猛，人生攻击尤佳～

修改后：

In contemporary society, more and more students choose to find a job or go travelling before they go to university. Some people blame that it may has negative effects to students. However, I cannot agree with them. On the contrary, I believe that working or traveling can help students to learn a lot of things, which they cannot  learn from university.

Students can gain more money and experiences through working. Both part time job and full time job can provide students money and experiences. Students  can use these money to buy books, stationary even car as preparation for their further study. More importantly, students' ability of tackle problems will be enhanced, which is very useful for students.

After a long time study in school, many youths need to relax. Traveling is a good way to relax students' bodies and ease their minds, furthermore it can broaden their horizons. According to a survey, 70 percents high school students in China have never been to other places. This phenomenon is so ironic. Students can learn the different cultural and customs, which enrich their knowledge.

Admittedly, students may develop some bad habits such as smoking, drinking and even drug addiction because of their ignorance and curiosity. When students working or traveling, many temptations waiting for them. However, if parents can give their children the good guidance, we can avoid students cultivating bad behavior.

In conclusion, although some students may lost themselves because their poor ability of self-control, I believe most of students can get benefits from working or traveling before they go to university.

[ 本帖最后由新格咪咪于 8-9-2010 17:21 编辑 ]

作者: clarkli 时间: 8-9-2010 01:45
help students to learn a lot of things
to 不用加

The advantages of gap year is obviously -> are obvious

This is much better than they study without any target. -> than studying without any target.

which should combined with practical ability - 少了个be

Finally, gap year will make youths more independent and mature.
应该有maturerer这个词吧？不确定。。

that they should never treated themselves as children
treat的时态

Some person worry about that students cannot resistant
worry该用被动。resistant该用resist

although some students may lost themselves because of gap year
lost应该是lose

they will find themselves totally different from they used to be
加个what在from之后吧

第一段不太连贯，句子太散了。而且第三段比较扯。。。

作者: 3WU 时间: 8-9-2010 02:20

承蒙邀请。。有点受宠若惊

你这回是正常发挥还是太过急进？我唠叨一句，新格咪咪请拿出之前写的几篇和这一篇比较。曾经强调的问题依然存在，而且有点恶化。所以建议  沉住气回头注意总结，争取犯过的错误不要再重蹈覆辙。

1 用词：这篇文章相信考官看了会抓狂的。。。gap year  竟然出现 10 次之多，刚好平均2句就重复一次。虽然优点是使用了与题目不一样的，具有更归纳性的词组。可是题目也提醒了。。gap year 是包括任何暂时离靠大学的经历，不一定是去实践，其实更多是去国外旅游或者 for exchange programe. 你文中偏重到工厂实践，那显然是不妥。

另外，尽量少用强迫读者认同的修饰词/表达，比如：obviously， who can deny the benefits of gap year ?
“Yes, more confident and mature”----这不是完整句子，这么明显的语法错误竟然出现在文章最后一句。通常那是给考官留下最后印象的一句。

2，很明显的重复错误，段落结构不平衡。第二段比第三段重很多。而且第二段又出现了排山倒海式sub-level  观点。泛泛的句子是不能当作中心句的，比如“The advantages of gap year is obviously.” 还有“Therefor, who can deny the benefits of gap year ?” ，“, gap year is not suitable for all students”。所以第二段出现了3个次观点。这已经是前面几篇一直指出的多中心问题。

3。第三段没有构成观点。第二段观点散落。
至于什么才能是观点。当你想“negative effects ”  你要具体想一个具体的影响，比如浪费时间，浪费金钱

4。语法问题就没法一一罗列，因为现在最最关键的文章结构，句子结构，准且提出观点这几条的掌握还比较混乱。

给你一个建议：重写文章，保证主体段落每一个在 4-5句之间。重新提出实际的观点而不是模糊概念。

第一段提出扼要观点。最后一点回顾观点。主体段落，每一段第一句为中心句，最后一句为归纳句。

注意不要重复使用一个词多于3次而不做任何词性变化。

另外：gap year (also known as year abroad, year out, year off, deferred year, bridging year, time off and time out)

[ 本帖最后由 3WU 于 8-9-2010 02:21 编辑 ]

作者: cais 时间: 8-9-2010 05:03
第二段应该展开来，可能分成几个小段比较好吧。论据太多，感觉应该就两三个点发挥一下，而不是每个点就说一句话。
用了in the first place，后面可以考虑用secondly, in addition, 等等，再用in the second place有点重复。
通常我比较喜欢用could，比较少用can，特别在不是在陈述事实的时候。
I still believe that most students could benefit from gap year
我也觉得一直用gap year怪怪的。题目中没出现的词，居然被你重复用了那么多次。
比较普通的做法是，在你第一次提出这个词的时候，做一下定义或说明。
我觉得就用些短一点的常用词就行了吧，比如In contemporary society我会用nowadays。

作者: drjue 时间: 8-9-2010 11:38
雅思大作文不单是要看结构和单词什么的,内容的逻辑性和文章的说服力也是很重要的.这篇文章行文不流畅,且存在过度结论,如"For instance, if a student work for a car manufactory, he will get a good score in engine design",这句话说的内容其实没有必然的前因后果的关系.
还有在我们写的议论文中,最好不要有所谓的"问句",通常只有权威性作者才有这个资格这样写.

作者: 我爱polo 时间: 8-9-2010 13:29
向咪咪学习

我也要贴作文

今晚回去写

作者: 新格咪咪 时间: 8-9-2010 15:34
多谢各位指点
很郁闷啊我的台式机还是无法访问bbs 真是见鬼了。好吧我重新组织一下语言稍后发出来～
再次感谢

作者: 新格咪咪 时间: 8-9-2010 17:24
改写了一下，感觉怪怪的。。。。继续拍吧

作者: 3WU 时间: 8-9-2010 18:32
虽然观点是怪搞笑的。可是雅思作文并不是考世界观。只要结构严谨，论证得当  用此适当，少犯语法，拼写错误少，即能得 6分。

新格咪咪修改的文章进步不少。虽然例证方法，还有观点的选择有待进一步提高。但是朝这个方向写离  6分更贴近了。

再谈你的首段观点。我觉得依然不够突出。最容易把握的方法就是在第一段用流水帐的方式提出观点。
给你修改一下：
首先考虑到你问中的例证是围绕：知识积累，文化交融，坏习惯（这个观点有点牵强）。在第一段我建议如此列出：

In contemporary society, more and more students choose to find a job or go travelling before they go to university. Some parents worry their children would develop bad habits during that time. However, I cannot agree with them. On the contrary, I believe that working or traveling can allow students to learn a lot of things outside their books including practical skills and culture diversity.

虽然你第二段，其实更侧重挣钱。但我还是觉得观点要集中，如果你真的选择金钱的积累，那就把第一段的中心词换掉。但如果你选择 experience, 那就要一个观点贯通全段。考试的时候时间紧迫，如果能大概想到有例证的观点，写在首段有3个好处： 1。自己不会盲目。2。万一时间不够没写完，考官能知道你要写什么。3。观点突出，层次分明。让读者看来第一段就知道你要往下讨论什么。注意了这些观点一定要具体。

你的第三段首句中心句没有贯串全段，我猜是这个观点不好论证。但是你最后提到的文化交流那是很好的点子。可以以此拓展。

最后总结句用了“get benefits ” 来概括。那是不可取的，那是笼统概念，跟没说一样。哪怕你想不到变换的词组，你至少要把题目或者段中的中心词  再次罗列。Tip:考试的时候很有可能时间不够，一下子想不出表达同样概念的不同单词，但是在该重复强调的地方，哪怕是累赘，也得复用。

[ 本帖最后由 3WU 于 8-9-2010 18:34 编辑 ]

作者: 新格咪咪 时间: 8-9-2010 19:45
多谢3wu

其实我现在困惑的是这类议论文倒是是写一边倒还是两边都写
譬如我修改前后的倒数第二段都是在让步一下对立的观点然后用 however来转折

请指教多谢啦

作者: 3WU 时间: 8-9-2010 20:21
标题: 回复 #10 新格咪咪的帖子
无所谓的。雅思不是考世界观。怎么写都可以，只要你有观点和论据。

实战的时候时间很短构思时间基本没有。但建议每采用一个观点的时候，把论证方向整理一下，确定有足够论证。然后才下笔。通常一边倒是不容易写的，因为你要有足够的例证。相反如果你提出反观点，那就容易多了。当然前提是你有充分例证。

补充一点，雅思写作不考核真实性。也就是说，瞎编新闻，统计数字是最容易找的例证。

作者: 新格咪咪 时间: 8-9-2010 20:40
多谢3wu 我把你说的话消化一下～

作者: frozen_heart770 时间: 8-9-2010 21:15

原帖由 3WU 于 8-9-2010 20:21 发表

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无所谓的。雅思不是考世界观。怎么写都可以，只要你有观点和论据。

实战的时候时间很短构思时间基本没有。但建议每采用一个观点的时候，把论证方向整理一下，确定有足够论证。然后才下笔。通常一边倒是不容易写的 ...

我很赞同

我最喜欢编造数据了，自己想写百分之多少都行！

作者: xiaoping410 时间: 9-9-2010 01:25

原帖由 3WU 于 8-9-2010 18:32 发表

 登录/注册后可看大图

虽然观点是怪搞笑的。可是雅思作文并不是考世界观。只要结构严谨，论证得当用此适当，少犯语法，拼写错误少，即能得 6分。

新格咪咪修改的文章进步不少。虽然例证方法，还有观点的选择有待进一步提高。但是朝 ...

看3WU的修改意见很有启发，忍不住

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