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标题: 要考试了，大作文老是写不流畅!修改了下，会不会好点呢？ [打印本页]

作者: alwaysbluer 时间: 18-1-2010 20:11
标题: 要考试了，大作文老是写不流畅!修改了下，会不会好点呢？
大作文感觉写起来不顺畅，观点衔接不够自然，有时观点也想不好,理由很牵强，老是卡壳，40分钟要完成基本上很困难！模版结构看了不少，可能锻炼不是太多，还没有真正一气呵成写出来。
刚敲出来的，大家帮忙提点意见吧，还有几天再努力下吧，只能硬着头皮上了，口语也没时间准备了。

Title: Nowadays many people do longer work hour and have more stressful to them. What do you think and how employers to do?

In present day society, with the fast development of society, there is a tendency for employees to work longer than before and suffer more stress from daily work. There is a lot of factors which are contributing to this phenomenon.In this essay,I would like to address the possible root causes and propose appropriate solutions for employers.

Obviously, one primary reason among countless factors is the increasingly rapid pace of modern life and work. For instance, with the advance in science and technoloby in the late 21st century such as, internet, online business and mobile phone, it becomes possible for information to be sent and received immediately, while in past decades it always takes days to fulfill. As a consequence, it improves the efficiency of communication, thus bringing about more severe competition between companies.Probably, employers will start to require their employees to work harder and longer under pressure in order to survive in the competition. Further and even more importantly, there is also a personal will to work more in order to have chances to be promoted in near future. Specifically, employees, especially those newly graduated,have a big burden of buying an apartment which usually costs a huge money in most big cities. Therefore, working hard and showing excellent performance is one good feasible way for them to get a rise in salary.

Accordingly, the solutions are also varied based on above discussion. Firstly, employer should care of its employee’s physiological and psychological health and provide more entertainment facilities for them to alleviate the pressure from work. Secondly, it is highly advisable for employers to create more opportunities and promotion chances to their employees, thus increasing their motivation on jobs.

In conclusion, this phenomenon certainly will become much more common and we should learn to deal with it actively. Meanwhile, I suggest governments should also pay attention to this heated issue and start to take positive measures.

[ 本帖最后由 alwaysbluer 于 20-1-2010 21:16 编辑 ]

作者: Juana 时间: 18-1-2010 20:12
就这种水平，还是不要考了

作者: alwaysbluer 时间: 18-1-2010 20:16
钱都交了，不考不行耍阿。。。

作者: astrsa 时间: 18-1-2010 22:19
不知所云，5分吧。

作者: astrsa 时间: 18-1-2010 22:19
也许还不到

作者: mgdhy 时间: 18-1-2010 23:20
有勇气把自己的文章贴出来还是要鼓励的。文法错误偶就不说了，比较多。

文章里的事情和观点基本上能够说清楚。

主要是模版痕迹有些明显，特别是最后几行，最后几行的内容可以套在任何一个文章的结尾，考官估计已经看过了三万遍了。

很大可能5分左右，不会超过5.5分。

作者: alwaysbluer 时间: 19-1-2010 00:09
能帮忙点评下语法吗？平时乱七八糟的英文用惯了，自己都意识不到那里错了。模板确实刻意有模仿，自己脱离模板写也能写，是不是比较建议自由发挥呢？

作者: spike777 时间: 19-1-2010 10:18
写的太中式了 LZ这个差不多5分的水平模板确实太明显第一次考全当练习吧

作者: yxguyxgu 时间: 20-1-2010 18:00
感觉还行

继续完善模板。

作者: rommi 时间: 20-1-2010 18:08
提示: 作者被禁止或删除, 无法发言 不同意LS的意见
应该是5.5 - 6分的作文

连词用得太多了每句都用有点不自然

作者: zhuangyu9999 时间: 20-1-2010 18:23
这作文能拿5.5+我就要去跳楼了。。。

作者: 新格咪咪 时间: 20-1-2010 19:20
完了我觉得写的很好阿为什么你们都是这样的反应。。。

作者: Juana 时间: 20-1-2010 19:28

原帖由 新格咪咪 于 20-1-2010 20:20 发表

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完了我觉得写的很好阿为什么你们都是这样的反应。。。

因为现在写作的要求提高了，换句话说，写作在中国考区压分厉害！

作者: 新格咪咪 时间: 20-1-2010 19:30
suffered
A lot of factors are contributing to this, which I would like to address in this essay as well as some appropriate solutions for employers. （this  ？是什么东西？）
one primary reason among them （them ？我怒了）
with the great technology advance in 21st century, such as, （你写开头呢？）
As a consequence, it leads to more severe competition between companies  （和上面的没有什么因果联系感觉）
Further and even more importantly  （怎么说呢，  一个人的脸好看是要求五官配合的好感觉你的文章就是五官都很好但是配合起来就是阿凡达的样子。。。）
Accordingly, the solutions are also varied based on above discussion.  （你想干嘛？要结尾了么？哪里来的above ?)

暂时就那么多，搂住不要生气，我说话很直，也许我的作文没有你好，但是，人们就是喜欢批评别人，对吧，好好努力吧，多看看范文。

作者: alwaysbluer 时间: 20-1-2010 19:58
没关系，已经作好权当练习的准备了。有批评才有提高的。。
代词乱用可能真习惯了，还以为别人能明白的，哈哈。。模版是参考了10天和雅思9分写作综合的。
即使写作能过关，口语也要裸考了。。

顺便把自己的文章也改了改，掐时间写，有些错误是紧张导致的!

原帖由 新格咪咪 于 20-1-2010 20:30 发表

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suffered
A lot of factors are contributing to this, which I would like to address in this essay as well as some appropriate solutions for employers. （this ？是什么东西？）
one primary reason am ...

作者: Juana 时间: 20-1-2010 20:11
口语裸考……
天啊，除非是平时工作生活中用英语……

作者: alwaysbluer 时间: 20-1-2010 20:17
工作每天都要用的！！！简单看了下口语问题，就是没专门准备!

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