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标题: 求批改作文 [打印本页]

作者: matt_deepblue 时间: 10-2-2012 15:34
标题: 求批改作文
同学们，我刚随便写了一篇，没怎么修改，不知道这个作文能否上6分？

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding changes. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Transformation happens all the time in everyone’s daily life. We cannot refuse the change and avoid making change even if some of us dislike the changes which have happened and will happen.

Some people hate the transformation as they are hard to be used to changes which has happened at a staggering rate. For instance, the computer which is the most significant invention in 20th century, deeply impact our daily life, makes changes itself everyday and everyone living in the society have to adapt to the changes, since without computers, individuals cannot continue their normal daily life, despite of this, some elderly people still refuse to use computers as they feel it is too difficulty for them to operator them. Moreover some transformations which bring people disadvantageous influence make our life even harder than before, consequently, we really do not want these changes. For instance, the economic recession happened in recently years make an increasingly number of people live in poverty, another example that can be used to illustrate the negative changes is the frequent regional conflict happen in contemporary world, the vast majority of victims lose their homeland and live in fear and without hope everyday. On top of this, it is understandable that some individuals refuse the changes happen among them.

However, there are a booming number of changes which make our life happier and easier, thus, some people who believe changes is a good things is reasonable. iPhone 4 which is very popular all over the world last year can be very easily found on streets and offices, why are people crazy about this tiny lovely cell phone？Since it indeed bring our life more convenience and happiness. People can easily read novel in their boring duty off trip which they have to suffer from every day. Another example is cheap air travel which comes out in recently years, as a consequence, people who are fond of traveling can spend less money in flying to foreign country instead of spending a great deal of money in the past. Overall, we certainly can accept the changes that make the world a more beautiful homeland.

In conclusion, we should put a lot of effect to make positive changes to impact our life. By contract, we should avoid the changes that are harmful to the human being.

[ 本帖最后由 matt_deepblue 于 10-2-2012 16:42 编辑 ]

作者: chen2mao 时间: 10-2-2012 17:28
看了，给点建议： 1、全篇中式思维的句式太多，看起来没有那种顺畅的感觉。
2、部分词用得不是很准确，但至少可以用更好的词。
3、注意标点符号，不要全是“，”。

作者: matt_deepblue 时间: 10-2-2012 17:59
多谢楼上，中式思维这个怎么可以改善？

用词和标点我是都没改就发上来了，我回去再改一下。

作者: xiaoyi_lee 时间: 10-2-2012 23:13
In conclusion, we should put a lot of effect to make positive changes to impact our life. By contract, we should avoid the changes that are harmful to the human being.
你自己觉得你的这个结尾咋样呢？ effect啥意思， impact 能这么用吗？两个句子都是we，we，太单调了
lz你先看看这个，这个是学术论文写作规范，每段开头都有一个主题句才行，然后整段围绕这个论述。 http://au.freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-990121-1-1.html

另外你开头用的transformation啥意思啊，我怎么觉得不合适啊，反正我个人觉得如果你开头和结尾都出现很低级的用词、句子失误的话，6分你就别想了。

作者: xiaoyi_lee 时间: 10-2-2012 23:20
另外前面说的那个连接里面的链接也建议看看，还有这个http://au.freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-936147-1-1.html

作者: YUEXMA 时间: 10-2-2012 23:36
同意4楼的，

楼主低级错误太多了，拼错就算了，居然都拼成了别的词。

继续努力！

作者: matt_deepblue 时间: 11-2-2012 00:11

原帖由 xiaoyi_lee 于 11-2-2012 00:13 发表

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In conclusion, we should put a lot of effect to make positive changes to impact our life. By contract, we should avoid the changes that are harmful to the human being.
你自己觉得你的这个结尾咋样呢？ ...

批评的对，其实我想用 put in a lot of effect 多下工夫
impact our life 换成 make our life better?
最后面这句换成倒装怎么样？或者前面用 I believe

作者: matt_deepblue 时间: 11-2-2012 00:13

原帖由 YUEXMA 于 11-2-2012 00:36 发表

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同意4楼的，

楼主低级错误太多了，拼错就算了，居然都拼成了别的词。

继续努力！

XUEXMA同学能帮忙改下吗?吓得我都不敢写了

作者: xiaoyi_lee 时间: 11-2-2012 01:58

原帖由 matt_deepblue 于 11-2-2012 01:11 发表

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批评的对，其实我想用 put in a lot of effect 多下工夫
impact our life 换成 make our life better?
最后面这句换成倒装怎么样？或者前面用 I believe

还是写错了吧，put in a lot of effort? 是不是写成put a lot of effort in doing更好些呢？但是说实话我觉得英文不能直接从中文翻译过来，要不然很怪，可能改成pay more attention to ... 更好些

作者: cherub 时间: 11-2-2012 03:27
THE 20th century

作者: cherub 时间: 11-2-2012 03:35
2楼同志说的中式思维，我觉得问题也不尽然非要都往中式上靠。最近看过很多作文，都给我差不多的感觉，以这篇为最——并不是本文最烂，而是我昨晚刚好整了白的红的黄的，刚到家还没睡觉，此时此刻的脑袋最晕乎。
就是有些作文，除了作者自己，外人谁都模仿不来写作的思路，还不是个性的事，顺序不对或者缺少某些必要的东西。作者应该是想表达某一个意思，考官也知道，但是实际的表达效果，基本上都是作者本人挑不出问题，但是让外人看着又常常犯晕。今天真是晕，把握住了这个晕字。未必一定是中式思维，而是初学者常见的跳跃性思维。英语的逻辑其实跟中文差不太多，最好还是先从简单确切的表达开始。

真的喝大了

作者: xiaoyi_lee 时间: 11-2-2012 10:35
标题: 回复 #11 Cherub 的帖子
女侠你2月啥时候战鸭子？

作者: keving 时间: 11-2-2012 10:40
大伙批的不错，楼主同学还需努力呀，Transformaion一般是指大的变革，如business Transformation就是业务，流程变革，哥们儿我就在这个领域工作，这篇文章是指生活中的变化，Change，够了，本人建议，先不要一上来就抛出Transformation,你可以先谈change，然后经过讨论逐步进阶到工作，科技对生活的transform，这样不错，

还有大家说的中式思维，我想这个在我们这种以英语为第二语言的人，是无法一点都不带的，但有一个感想，people are hard to XXXX,这个就是中国式，老外一般这样说it is hard for people to do XXXx,

,加油，不过，我觉得还是有六。

作者: YUEXMA 时间: 11-2-2012 20:17
内容先不说，有一些很刺眼的语法和词义方面的错误：

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding changes. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Transformation 变形？ happens all the time in everyone’s daily life. We cannot refuse the change and avoid making change even if some of us dislike the changes which have happened and will happen.

Some people hate the transformation as they are hard to be used to changes which has happened at a staggering 如果意思是“令人震惊的”，是指特别高还是特别低呢？还有一个意思是“步履蹒跚的”，更加不通了 rate. For instance, the computer which is the most significant invention in 20th century, deeply impact our daily life, makes changes itself everyday and everyone living in the society have to adapt to the changes, since without computers, individuals cannot continue their normal daily life, despite of this, some elderly people still refuse to use computers as they feel it is too difficulty for them to operator them. 用了since 既然/因为, despite of 尽管, 但是逻辑上不通啊。而且从for instance开始都是逗号连接，结构模糊了。 Moreover some transformations which bring people disadvantageous 这个词用来修饰influence不合适，是“不占优势”的意思 influence make our life even harder than before, consequently, we really do not want these changes. For instance, 又是 for instance,重复了 the economic recession happened in recently 这里应该是形容词，去掉ly years make 用一般现在时不妥，而且即便如此也应该是第三人称单数 an increasingly 又把副词当形容词了 number of people live in poverty, another example that can be used to illustrate the negative changes is the frequent regional conflict happen 这里语法错误了 in contemporary world, the vast majority of victims lose their homeland and live in fear and without hope everyday and without ..... 这个书面语中不妥，而且用现在进行时比较好. On top of this, it is understandable that some individuals refuse the changes happen 又是语法错误，that happen 就OK among them.
However, there are a booming number of changes which make our life happier and easier, thus, some people who believe changes is a good things is reasonable. iPhone 4 which is very popular all over the world last year can be very easily found on streets and offices, why are people crazy about this tiny lovely cell phone？Since it indeed bringS our life more convenience and happiness. People can easily read novel in their boring duty off trip which they have to suffer from every day. Another example is cheap air travel which comes out in recently years, as a consequence, people who are fond of traveling can spend less money in flying to foreign country instead of spending a great deal of money in the past. Overall, we certainly can accept the changes that make the world a more beautiful homeland 这是祖国的意思，世界大同还早吧，呵呵.

In conclusion, we should put a lot of effect 你是想写effort吧to make positive changes to impact our life. By contract, 应该是contrast吧 we should avoid the changes that are harmful to the human being.

原帖由 matt_deepblue 于 11-2-2012 01:13 发表

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XUEXMA同学能帮忙改下吗?吓得我都不敢写了

作者: tjusnow 时间: 12-2-2012 22:17
两点愚见：
1）某些大词，楼主在没有真正掌握其含义时勿用，会导致失分
2）楼主先从简单句写起吧，复杂句最多用两句的那种，记住simple is best
那种一逗到底的用法只会让你的作文分更低。

楼主加油只要用心提高会很快
你我共勉

作者: Daibaw 时间: 13-2-2012 14:33
内容不论，这文章首先最大的问题是跑题。仅此一点最多5分阿。
题目说spend life doing the same things，重点是spend life，也就是说这个change是针对生活方式而言，是追求稳定的生活还是不同的体验。比如有的人选择稳定的职业终生在一个地方生活，有的人经常换工作经常搬家，这题目要求论述的就是这一个方面的比较和偏好，和电脑手机没关系。
看到change就立刻想到科技发展日新月异，这个本身就是典型的中式思维。

作者: YUEXMA 时间: 13-2-2012 15:44
LS 思路犀利

原帖由 Daibaw 于 13-2-2012 15:33 发表

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内容不论，这文章首先最大的问题是跑题。仅此一点最多5分阿。
题目说spend life doing the same things，重点是spend life，也就是说这个change是针对生活方式而言，是追求稳定的生活还是不同的体验。比如有的人选择 ...

作者: matt_deepblue 时间: 13-2-2012 17:39

原帖由 Daibaw 于 13-2-2012 15:33 发表

 登录/注册后可看大图

内容不论，这文章首先最大的问题是跑题。仅此一点最多5分阿。
题目说spend life doing the same things，重点是spend life，也就是说这个change是针对生活方式而言，是追求稳定的生活还是不同的体验。比如有的人选择 ...

多谢了，确实有些跑题，你的审题确实很犀利，已经不能评分了，下次再感谢

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